Thursday, December 1, 2011

MEN LIKE TO PEE OUTSIDE

I Wonder If I Can Kill
This Rose Bush?
I'll be the first to acknowledge that as smart and brilliant as I am, I know nothing about women. Indeed, it is impossible to "study up" on women, because the answers to the exam questions are always changing. However, men never change, we are always the same. With this said, I am always surprised at how little women know about men. For example, we like to pee outside.

Women are always trying to get men to behave in certain ways that are totally contrary to our nature: like peeing indoors. We like to pee outside, preferably on something. I'm sorry, but if your prize daffodils are in a big clay pot, we are going to pee on them, we can't help it. When I was growing up, my boyhood dog, Moonshine used to pee on the tires of all visitors to our house: not just one tire, but he would meticulously conserve his urine and pee an equal amount on all 4 tires. Moonshine was a man's man kind of dog. God, I love that dog.

Keep The Toilet Seat Up America!
Recently, I have been chastised by a lady friend of mine for not putting the toilet seat down after peeing. I am a nice guy, and I try to get along with folks, so after about the 83rd reprimand, I began to get it. The other day while visiting, I peed, I took several steps, remembered,  and then walked back into the bathroom to lower the toilet seat, and to my horror, I had involuntarily without any conscious thought already lowered the damn thing. Aghast, I thought to myself, ... I have been domesticated, I am now a "Stepford" drone of a man, life is over as I had known it. The gulag awaits. I felt as though someone had taken an oyster knife, excised my testicles and I was now First Soprano for the Vienna Boy's Choir.......... I wasn't going to take it, I had to fight back!!!  I promptly walked back in the bathroom and raised the toilet seat. I did this for America. I WILL NEVER LOWER THE TOILET SEAT AGAIN!!!!

Do We Want This Kind of America?
The idea that men should lower the toilet seat (much less pee inside) is anathema to the rugged individualism that made this country great. I have no doubt that the toilet seat expectation began to gain traction about the same time that we started to enroll our sons into youth soccer programs. Think about it. Boys should play sports where they throw a ball. How are they ever going to be able to throw a hand grenade with any degree of accuracy at our enemies if they grow up playing a Euro-Socialist sport like soccer?  I have no doubt that soccer is another leftist, Saul Alinsky plot to undermine America. I am sure it is all there in the first chapter of the Community Activist Handbook. (Comrades, get the American children to play soccer: workers unite!).

Or This Kind Of America?
Women of America, if you care about your country, you need to drop this silly toilet seat expectation. What you are really doing to your man is telling him that he is a loser and  he must give up on all his aspirations and dreams, wear a cardigan sweater and be consigned to a lifetime of only being able to read the "Lady's Home Journal." We didn't conquer the West, defeat the Nazis and win the Cold War by lowering the damn toilet seat!

You androgynous chumps go ahead and listen to Betty Lou, but as for me, I love America,  and I am going to walk outside right now and pee on Mrs. Johnson's Chrysanthemums. Men of America, you are either with me or against me. Charge!!!!

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