HAVE A MERRY BARRY WHITE CHRISTMAS

It is that time of year again where my readers ( groupies would be a better word) from all over  the world write me and ask me what I want for Christmas. If I were not such an honest guy, I'd respond with some drivel like "world peace" or "harmony among the nations." What I really want is MONEY and LOTS of it. So here is my routing # and bank account: 05100020: 35741604, and I hope all y'all have a Merry Christmas.

The  Good Book ( see Luke 6:38) says "the more you give, the more you shall receive," so brothers and sisters, get in good with the Lord and send me MONEY!!! You will be counting your blessings in no time.

My Boy's New Car

Think how happy it is going to make my girlfriend when I get her that new Balenciaga handbag with the keys to our new summer place in Newport.  Think of all the action my son is going to get driving his new Aston Martin One -77. Think of me, your old buddy Rob, who faithfully and tirelessly  blogs away (thinking nothing of his own well being) such that you can be informed. Is a 59' Hinckley to much to ask for all the erudite wisdom I have brought you over the years? Send MONEY!!!

He Needs Mo of Yo $

Now some might think it tacky, perhaps a bit boorish to make such a crass and commercial appeal as to actually ask for money, not me. I am just doing my patriotic duty. Didn't President Obama tell Joe the Plumber that "we needed to spread the wealth around?" Aren't we as a nation in a fiscal crisis? Didn't that $900 billion stimulus bill back in 2009 do wonders for the economy? Isn't the President planning a second stimulus package for 2013? Well, here I am, give me MONEY and help the US economy. Wouldn't you rather give me, somebody you know your money than to give it to the faceless federal bureaucracy? Think of all the good I am going to do with your money. Did I mention all the action my son was going to get driving that new James Bond car!

For $69.99, You Can Have Your
 Very Own Barry White Doll !!!

The Feds aren't going to be transparent with you, I am. I am GOING  to utterly waste your MONEY. I will be lighting my Altadis' Behike cigar with $100 bills. ( Surely this is a wiser use of $ than paying 47 million people not to work).  I am going to dribble a little bit of it out to other people so I can feel like a big shot and they will owe me favors. ( Sound familiar?). I will invest some of it in my  new talking Barry White doll venture guaranteed to create much needed jobs. Surely this is a better investment than Solyndra?  What lonely woman would not want to pay big bucks to come home and have her Barry White doll tell her in his trademark deep LOVER'S voice " you 'sho' look good in those lavender panties baby, come on over here."

So I hope that the spirit of the season compels you to get straight with Jesus and do what is right for America by sending me lots of MONEY. Think of Brother Barry and the joy he will bring your 90 year old grandmother this Christmas if only you do the right thing. Barry Christmas!!!

SPOONBREAD AND THE COLOR PURPLE



The Spoonbread Test

I think the Commonwealth of Virginia should have its own immigration policy. The fact that Virginia is now a "purple state" pains me and it is all the fault of that sprawling cultural wasteland, devoid of any character or redeeming qualities: Northern Virginia.  I like the "old" Virginia: good bourbon,  fast horses, the smell of box woods outside of an old country church, ham biscuits, shooting canvasbacks over corn (not that I ever did that) and polite people who would never beep their  horn at you. 

 I hate Northern Virginia! Now "hate" is a strong word, it ain't very Christian. My dear Mother, bless her soul, would wash my and my brothers' mouths out with soap if we uttered that word. Well Mom, "bring it," because I still hate that God awful place. Now I know how the Israelis feel having the Palestinian Authority bordering them to the north. Like the Palestinians, Nova-ites have denuded the country side and are always causing trouble, especially when they go to the polls to vote.  They have a nomadic cultural heritage and they name their children strange names like: Brittany, Dylan and Nicole. Their  idea of  architecture and aesthetics, well let's just say, I'd rather live in Leningrad circa 1944. Lethargic dullards, all suckling off the federal teat and all casting their votes to perpetuate Leviathan and their own vanilla existence. Most don't even own a gun and almost assuredly put ginger ale in their whiskey ( a horrible sin).
 


Now That's A Real Dog

 I have always thought of Virginians as kind of a separate ethnic group, and as such, I think we have been displaced from our homeland, and we have the right to take it back. Nova-ites should be repatriated north of the Potomac. They will be allowed to keep their Prius's and double breasted  sports jackets. If allowed to stay, perhaps they could be sterilized. Those that show promise could be sent to re-education camps where they could learn to smile and perhaps one day, to do something useful, like smoke barbecue. We could send them to forced labor camps, but really, how much labor can we expect to get out of a federal bureaucrat? Once the countryside is cleansed, the Commonwealth's new immigration policy would be strictly enforced. If the emigre knows what spoonbread is and has a good recipe, we let him in. If  the applicant has a snot nosed kid who says "what" when you ask him a question, instead of "Sir," you grab the little bugger and throw him off a cliff into the Potomac. A family with a good bird dog who can flush quail might get in, but families with little yappy dogs are automatically disqualified. Naturally, hot looking babes make the cut. 

Of course, there might be a few timid souls in the General Assembly who resist my plan. If so, then I propose another idea. Anyone convicted of a Class 1 Misdemeanor would be punished by having to live in Fairfax County. Crime below the Rappahannock would plummet,  and we could close all the prisons.  Once again, thinking out of the box, the epitome of moderation and reason, I am ROB and I am always RIGHT!!!