HAVE A MERRY BARRY WHITE CHRISTMAS

It is that time of year again where my readers ( groupies would be a better word) from all over  the world write me and ask me what I want for Christmas. If I were not such an honest guy, I'd respond with some drivel like "world peace" or "harmony among the nations." What I really want is MONEY and LOTS of it. So here is my routing # and bank account: 05100020: 35741604, and I hope all y'all have a Merry Christmas.

The  Good Book ( see Luke 6:38) says "the more you give, the more you shall receive," so brothers and sisters, get in good with the Lord and send me MONEY!!! You will be counting your blessings in no time.

My Boy's New Car

Think how happy it is going to make my girlfriend when I get her that new Balenciaga handbag with the keys to our new summer place in Newport.  Think of all the action my son is going to get driving his new Aston Martin One -77. Think of me, your old buddy Rob, who faithfully and tirelessly  blogs away (thinking nothing of his own well being) such that you can be informed. Is a 59' Hinckley to much to ask for all the erudite wisdom I have brought you over the years? Send MONEY!!!

He Needs Mo of Yo $

Now some might think it tacky, perhaps a bit boorish to make such a crass and commercial appeal as to actually ask for money, not me. I am just doing my patriotic duty. Didn't President Obama tell Joe the Plumber that "we needed to spread the wealth around?" Aren't we as a nation in a fiscal crisis? Didn't that $900 billion stimulus bill back in 2009 do wonders for the economy? Isn't the President planning a second stimulus package for 2013? Well, here I am, give me MONEY and help the US economy. Wouldn't you rather give me, somebody you know your money than to give it to the faceless federal bureaucracy? Think of all the good I am going to do with your money. Did I mention all the action my son was going to get driving that new James Bond car!

For $69.99, You Can Have Your
 Very Own Barry White Doll !!!

The Feds aren't going to be transparent with you, I am. I am GOING  to utterly waste your MONEY. I will be lighting my Altadis' Behike cigar with $100 bills. ( Surely this is a wiser use of $ than paying 47 million people not to work).  I am going to dribble a little bit of it out to other people so I can feel like a big shot and they will owe me favors. ( Sound familiar?). I will invest some of it in my  new talking Barry White doll venture guaranteed to create much needed jobs. Surely this is a better investment than Solyndra?  What lonely woman would not want to pay big bucks to come home and have her Barry White doll tell her in his trademark deep LOVER'S voice " you 'sho' look good in those lavender panties baby, come on over here."

So I hope that the spirit of the season compels you to get straight with Jesus and do what is right for America by sending me lots of MONEY. Think of Brother Barry and the joy he will bring your 90 year old grandmother this Christmas if only you do the right thing. Barry Christmas!!!

A CURMUDGEON'S MUSINGS ON CHRISTMAS



MR. POTTER



I don't like Christmas. I know that is not a warm and fuzzy thing to say, but then again I have never been accused of being warm and fuzzy. I am mean as a snake, in fact I make  mean slithering snakes look like cute little puppies.  The only thing I like about Christmas is when Mr. Potter says:

" You see, if you shoot pool with some employee here, you can come and borrow money. What does that get us? A discontented, lazy rabble instead of a thrifty, working class."

 That is a great line! ( It really warms my heart).

Hey Kid, Go Play In The Freeway

About the only thing fun about Christmas is telling little kids there is no Santa Claus.  I guess you could say I have a strong independent streak. I don't like being like everyone else.  If everybody else is being nice and syrupy, I am going to be mean and grumpy. What's more, I hate being told what to do. The 4 times I have actually done something nice for someone else ( 1977, 1986, 1990 and 1997), I did it because I felt like it, not because someone told me to. If you ask me politely to take the trash out, I will do it, but if you TELL ME to take the trash out, I am going to dump it all out on your kitchen floor and walk out. Sorry, that's just the way I am wired and by the way: EAT ME!

Doc, Why Does Santa  Hate Me?

I have given Christmas a lot of thought and frankly we Americans  have really screwed Christmas up and in the process caused all kinds of (lifetime) psychological damage to generations of children. Christmas is excessive; it is TOO much. It ain't healthy. No doubt, Christmas is a magical time for an 8 year old. The problem is, as adults we expect to FEEL the same way at Christmas as we did when we  were 8. Children grow up to be adults with unrealistic expectations of what Christmas should be. As a result, it seems that depression, family squabbles, undue stress and many other dysfunctions  reach their zenith at Christmas. We try to assuage all these ills by making Christmas "bigger," instead of realizing that it is the "bigness" of Christmas that causes all these problems.  
 

My Recent Haul From Dinner Party

While I am woeful sinner, a first rate scoundrel and  always up to no good, I do know a thing or two about Christian theology. Such knowledge comes in handy. For example, no host of a fancy dinner party would ever expect you of stealing their  silver if you are pretending to be pious and waxing eloquently about the Babylonian  Exile or the Doctrine of the Trinity. If you are at a bar and meet a babe and start talking about the Synoptic Gospels or transubstantiation, the woman will trust you and almost always tell you to watch her pocketbook while she goes to Ladies Room. (Of course when she gets back, you are gone with enough small bills to keep you occupied a few hours at the local, uh,....dance club).




Dude, let's get some Munchies
 after the pageant !!!

All kidding aside: I have a serious point to make. As much as I know about Christian theology, I never really understood what Christmas was "truly" about until a few years ago. I have attended 100 Christmas pageants where  the local 15 year old "stoner" recites the familiar "Christmas" passages from Luke. ( By the way, I have always been a little pissed at my parents for not naming me Caesar Augustus instead of Rob). One Christmas Eve, I attended the midnight Messiah service at my church, St. James Episcopal in Richmond. The music was beautiful and quite frankly I was moved by it. I listened attentively to Handel's lyrics. As the service ended, the  choir processed under the candle light onto  the portico and stood among the massive Corinthian columns and sang Silent Night in German. ( I haven't even mastered Pig Latin, so naturally I was impressed).   As I and everyone else quietly walked to our cars in the brisk,  cold air, it SUDDENLY HIT ME. 

JESUS
Ok, I couldn't find a current photo
of the real Jesus

 Christmas of course is  not about toys or material things. However,  it is not really about the birth of Jesus. Christmas is about the GIFT of Jesus to a broken world to heal and reconcile us with each other and with Him. No rancor, no bitterness, only joy.

Now, that I think about it: I DO LIKE CHRISTMAS!!!

Joy. It is a damn good gift. ( Much better than a fruitcake).

Joy to the World and Merry Christmas!