AUMMMMMM..................

Well, I am on my way to 8 o'clock church Sunday morning, and tall, blond, hot as a firecracker _______ (We'll call her "Kunda Lini" to protect her identity, being an acquaintance of mine will undoubtredly ruin her social status ) texts me asking if I will go to "church" with her at 9:30. Well the first thing that goes through my mind is ...."she wants to have sex with me." The second thing that goes through my mind is.... "if I go to church with her, maybe she will have sex with me." Either way, I didn't think Jesus would mind what church I went to. By the way, whenever an attractive woman pays the least bit of attention to a man, the first thing we think is "aha, she wants to have sex with me." Take out the trash dear, ...aha, code language for "gettin nekid." Now, 99.9% of the time when we have these thoughts, there is no nekidness, and we get duped into having to sit through 3 hours of the ballet for nothing. Somehow, we never learn.
Well 9:30 church turned out to be a huge outdoor yoga class. Here are my impressions:

There was a hippie looking dude playing some kind of mandolin and chanting, another guy who hadn't bathed in the past month would beat a drum about every 45 seconds. I was a little concerned that there might be some "Jim Jones" punch and this was the end of the world. I would have been a lot more relaxed if Barry White was onstage in a blue jump suit singing "Love Serennade." There was also a lot of pagan sounding talk about "the earth" and the "wind" and feeling each other's "energy." ( I had Mexican the night before, so I am quite sure those down "wind" of me felt my "energy"). I looked up, half expecting to see Druids in all the trees. Then we were supposed to close our eyes and think nice thoughts about the universe while the instructor chicks all made this whale like, AUMMMM sound. ( My eyes weren't really shut, and I wasn't thinking nice thoughts either, I took the opportunity to stare at KL's ass).

Speaking of instructor chicks, there were 10 of them, I quickly graded them all, one of them, the one I had given the highest grade, was very Scandanavian looking and was wearing a cowboy hat. Shazam! Half way through one of the whaling sessions, when KL had her buttocks up in the air, she came up to KL and practically got on top of her. Later KL told me she was adjusting her "core," whatever that means, all I know is it was damn hot! ( That is Inga above).

The next thing we did was all hold hands and form a big daisy chain and dance around the meadow, excuse me, I mean the "earth." It reminded me of doing the Love Train (O'Jays) at a St. Margaret's School dance when I was in the 11th grade. I didn't mind it a bit. I didn't understand all the references to "breathing,"... what is so hard about breathing? Well, I did kind of lose my breath when Inga and KL were "gettin it on." Double Shazam!


Well for all of y'all who think I am a boorish, provincial and superficial pig, now you know better. Now you know how enlightend, progressive, tolerant and open minded I am. Guess I showed you. AUMMMMM.....