TOILETS, TECHNOLOGY AND BAD TIMING

Hey ladies, look at me!

Today, I visited the men's room at my local Starbucks and "sat down." I began to fumble with my phone and wish people Happy Birthday on FB. Unfortunately, one of my big manly thumbs
unknowingly hit an app that took a movie of me sitting on the throne. The other big manly thumb of mine accidentally hit the "send" button to the Birthday-ee. Now, if this was sent to one of my lug head friends, like Bo Montague, an incurable reprobate, no big deal. But alas, this was sent to an elderly lady friend of mine, a fine Christian woman to boot. She's on the Alter Guild!  No doubt, all the ladies at the Westminster Canterbury senior center are talking about what a sick puppy Rob Smith is. Sorry ladies......

I would say my reputation is in the toilet, but in order to ruin one's reputation, one has to have a reputation to lose. I lost mine years ago through various acts of chicanery and pettifoggery. Then I turned 8.  Ahh, what the hell, water off a duck's back. No penitence for me, I've done worse.

Rabbit Rabbit

One such technological foible happened in 2004. I had gotten divorced and moved into a new
neighborhood. A tall blond, who I didn't know brought me a casserole. Since she fed me, I felt obliged to be nice for a short spell. One night she came over and read me poetry ( high brow stuff, it barely rhymed) and another night we went and watched a foreign film at one of those places where little wispy guys smoke clove cigarettes and wear turtlenecks. Oh, the poetry reading. Let me clarify. It was not nekid poetry reading which most guys can stomach, but just plain old poetry reading. So she emailed me a few times, and I of course being a mature man, completely ignored her missives. Suzanne Apple who is a fine and upstanding lass from Memphis would often coach me via long distance on how not to be a boorish

No. This Did Not Happen!

pig. Apple told me I needed to respond. I emailed Apple and told her how I was afraid that Miss fully clothed "Emily Dickinson"  was going to boil a rabbit on my stove. As I recall, I used the quaint Elizabethan word "shrew" a couple times as well as every woman's favorite descriptive noun, the dreaded "B" word. I was really just "funnin" with my pal Miss Apple. Then when I hit the send button,....., ooops,....the email went to Miss Dickinson. Oh well, I've done worse........

Ha. Ha. Ha. Good one son!

Ever had 2 or 3 people text you at the same time and you text one of them a text meant for the other? You know how girls text each other little smiley faces and red little hearts to convey how much they love their friend. Well, guys don't do that. We are incredibly juvenile. We say outrageously rude and vulgar things, often with references to female body parts, farm animals and diminutive male members.   I had a super wealthy muckety muck from Dallas call me out of the blue one day.  I solved a vexing tax problem he thought had no resolution. He had spent millions trying to solve it.  I solved it over the phone. He loved me. He praised me.  The next Monday he was coming to visit me in Richmond. No doubt, I thought, he will exhibit his appreciation by bringing me a suit case full of $100 bills. Over the weekend, I had one of those multiple texts moments. Mistakenly, while he was on the 18th green of his fancy Dallas club and about to putt to win the match, he got a text from me telling him he had a tiny penis and an affinity for little boys. I immediately
realized my faux pas. Sh--, there goes the suitcase full of $$. An hour later, he called. Here it comes I thought.....and then he spoke; "got your text, I laughed my ass off. It relaxed me and I made the big putt!"

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Real men, the go-getter, hunter gatherer types, the types that make the world work send crude, juvenile and vulgar texts to their buds. This is what makes us men. The type of men who are offended by these types of texts drink  cucumber water and have ugly wives and girl friends. 

Hey George. Had a nice romp w
Martha last night. She says u have
 a  little penis. Ha Ha. Ben

In fact, it is fair to say,  western civilization owes its very existence to men sending crude, juvenile texts to one another.  Caesar  would have never conquered Gaul, Gutenberg would have never invented the printing press and Washington would have never crossed the Delaware without Ben Franklin texting him telling him he had a little weenie  (no doubt true on that evening). 

The Charm School Theory

I am about to tell all you knuckleheads out there something you have never heard from any other news outlet or opinion journal. What I say here will not be verified for sometime in the future, maybe years in the future, but this information is undoubtedly true. In the future, you will look back, read this article and say to yourself " damn, that Rob Smith is friggin brilliant, I think he is the smartest man in the history of the world."

Years ago, my buddy Will Clark, gave me a book to read, the Charm School, by Nelson DeMille. A suspense novel, it was written before the Soviet Union disintegrated. The title "Charm School," derived from a "fictitious"  school where captured Americans were studied by Russians to learn "how to be American," so that they could be better communist spies. Upon finishing the book, I developed the "Charm School Theory." DeMille's book was a work of fiction, but I deduced that the idea of the Soviets kidnapping Americans and "taking in" American prisoners from North Vietnam, North Korea and other places to train Soviet spies had to be true. Why? Logic, empirical evidence and an understanding of human nature.  In a nutshell, the Charm School Theory is the application of these tools to predict political behavior. The Soviets killed millions of their own people. Their goal was to take over the world and undermine stable capitalist countries by any means. Why would evil respect international law. The ends always justify the means. Sure enough as was proven when the Soviet archives were opened up,  Rob Was Right. No surprise there, huh folks?

Well, here's the news you haven't heard before. The Obama Administration conducted secret and warrant-less searches, spying and eavesdropping  on their political enemies. We know with certainty that the IRS, the Department of Justice, the CIA and  the FBI were weaponized to surveil and then attack Obama's political opponents. The media, even the conservative media is all focused on the sleazy and unlawful tactics employed by the Deep State to obtain warrants to spy on and later attack the "enemies of the state." Hello ( remember, I am the smartest man in the world), listen to me!

Utilize the Charm School Theory. At a minimum, Obama is a Neo-Marxist. Study him. Read his books. Look at his alliances. Blind faith in socialist polices always leads to totalitarianism.  The goal is always to achieve the overthrow of traditional society utilizing whatever tools are available. The Constitution and the Rule of Law be damned. This is a maxim of the progressive left. Ethel and Julius Rosenberg were executed for giving top secret information to the Soviets. How is what Hillary Clinton did, leaving her server unprotected not just as heinous? Every bad actor in the world swiped her server.  Yet, the Obama police state exonerates her,  and in connection with other Deep State operatives, fabricates evidence to ruin the candidacy and then the presidency of a duly elected chief office of the United States. The list of Pete Strzok apparatchiks frothing at the mouth with hatred  within the federal government is endless. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. The FBI and the DOJ have limitless resources and conduct their policy decisions in secret. There is absolutely no accountability and virtually no consequences to these agencies engaging in criminal conduct to undermine our democratic institutions. What, are they going to prosecute themselves?

So, soak it all up folks. A sleazy warrant submitted to the FISA court creates a paper trail. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that prevents these agencies from secretly "wiretapping" virtually any citizen without warrants and due process. We will come to find out that the Obama Administration conducted hundreds, maybe thousands of  secret wiretaps and surveillances of their perceived enemies in an effort to perpetuate their policies of dismantling democratic capitalism, and to make it impossible for any opposition party to win a future election. All police states start this way, and eventually, there are no more elections. 

My name is Rob and I am always Right. Stay tuned, you will find out how right I am.

ROB SMITH FOR SUPREME COURT JUSTICE !

I have just heard that my name is not on President Trump's short list to replace Anthony Kennedy on the Supreme Court. This is a tragedy for America, and folks for the sake of our beloved democratic

Call 1-800-Rob-Court

republic, I need you to light up the White House switchboard and complain.

I would be confirmed easily because liberals, leftists and progressives love me. Let's list all of their hot buttons, and it will be easy to see why I am their  perfect candidate:

DIVERSITY: 

All of the other justices graduated in the top of their class from tony Ivy League law schools. I graduated  from the University of Richmond while working  a 40 hour/week job hustling pool at very un-tony locales.  I was not Summa CumLaude, but I still hold one academic record that has not been broken:  missing the most classes and still graduating.

My Religion Is Under-represented

All of the other justices are Catholic or Jewish.  As a regular attendee of the First Pentecostal  Evangelical Temple of Joy, imagine how I could liven up the opening prayer by introducing a little snake throwing and strychnine poison drinking?  

Pretty in Pink?  NAW....

I am a Southerner, all the other justices are heathens. Would it not be beneficial for the other justices to learn some manners? And what about those dark robes? A little southern flair for bright colors couldn't hurt. I think a coral or pink colored robe would pretty up Ruth Bader Ginsberg  a bit ( not an easy task) and perhaps make her less angry. 

Except for Justice Thomas, there are no black folks on the Court.

Dad and I 

As Barry White's illegitimate love child, I would up the soul factor on the Court. If the music in the elevators going up to the big court room were playing " Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe," all the litigants would settle their cases; peace and love would prevail throughout the land.

CRIMINAL JUSTICE:

Exact Spot Where Clem Did His Bizness

Who better to be empathetic and protect the rights of individuals from the police, than a guy who has been in the underbelly of our criminal justice system?  Do you think that tight ass prig Justice Roberts ever spent the night in an Amherst County jail? What about Nantucket, Chapel Hill, Charlottesville or Athens, Georgia? Well, I have. Has Elena Kagan  ever had to run from the cops merely for trying to pick up girls in the  dorm at Longwood College?, oops, scratch that, distinct possibility there. None of these other justices know what it is like to be "shot at," handcuffed or had to watch a guy name Clem do his business on the toilet while breakfast was being served ( thank you Amherst County). 

PROFILING:

Years ago when I lived in Washington, DC, my buddy Robert "the Talking Horse" Marsteller and I would routinely be refused service at numerous Georgetown and K Street watering holes. Often, they wouldn't even let us in the door. This profiling happened right in our nation's capital! I still feel the sting to this day.

INNOVATIVE LEGAL SCHOLAR:

The last case we won, 
we flipped off the prosecution.

Have you met my boy, Coleman Smith. He went to Ole Miss and was also in the Army. I have been his lawyer for a dozen years. Bar fights, breaking stuff, flipping the cops the bird, you name it. He has a clean criminal record. They haven't been able to make anything stick despite his 111 arrests. I came up with the novel "Smith DNA Defense." The boy can't help it. This legal strategy is now taught in law schools across the country. I'm also good at closing argument rhymes. I gave Johnnie Cochran the "if the glove don't fit, you must acquit" line.  But here are a couple more:  "just because he shot her full of lead, doesn't mean he wanted her dead," and " Judge, have you seen the jugs on her, I think you should demur."

GRAVITAS:

Distinguished Scholar 

Finally, if one is going to be a Supreme Court Justice, one has to look the part. It's important to have gravitas and a sober, distinguished look about you. As the recent picture to the left indicates, I have these qualities in spades. In fact, complete strangers often come up to me and say "are you a Supreme Court justice?" It happens all the time. I also know a lot of catchy Latin phrases that my father Barry White taught me like: "omecay veroay erehay ndaay aketay ffoay ouryay razzerbay." Wait,....my bad, that's Pig Latin. Well, you get the point. I got it going on. For America's sake, call the White House !!!

HURRICANE JOAQUIN !!! HOW BOUT A REAL NAME?

Hurricane Billy Ray

Joaquin? What kind of name is that?  More political correctness run amok. I don't know anyone named Joaquin. I looked it up, it is  Spanish and a common name for a baby. If I was a hurricane, I'd be embarrassed. If it is un-PC to name a football team the Redskins because it offends red skinned people, then why isn't it un-PC to name a hurricane  a baby name? Talk about offensive.

We should go back to naming hurricanes names that do not insult them. I was perfectly ok with Agnes, Camille and Isabel. In 3rd grade, Agnes Johnson told Miss Douglas that I was the one who put the tack in her chair. Agnes was a mean, spiteful shrew, very hurricanesque. In 7th grade, Camille Lewis came after me like a spider monkey for getting ink on her white blouse, and when I was a senior in high school, well I can't give the details of what I did (this is family oriented blog), but Isabel Cleaver's keying my car and breaking all the windows was completely uncalled for.





WOOO!

Being the progressive, modern thinking guy that I am, I'm ok with hurricanes being named after guys, but let's not give them pipsqueak,  non-offensive names. Let's face it, hurricanes always hit the South, so why not give them good ole boy hurricane names, like Buster, Bubba and Earl, Jr.? Maybe mix in some double names like Billy Ray and Jim Bob. They should be named after NASCAR drivers or WWF rasslers, like Ric Flair, aka "the Nature Boy." Ric would make an awesome hurricane.

Really, if a hurricane with a meek little Yankee name like "Shawn" or "Ian" flattened my house, I'd be really pissed off and offended. But if a Bubba or Billy Ray smacked into my house, I'd be forgiving. That's all I have to say on the matter.....

SOUTHERN COMFORT

I love  the South:
 
we still have debutante parties,
 
the college kids who attend are unfailingly polite,
 
and when the band plays Sweet Home Alabama, the place goes nuts!
 


Richmond, Virginia    May 29, 2015

I have been to a million of these parties, and always, at some point late in the evening, it is obligatory for the band to start strumming Skynard. An instrumental chorus begins as a prelude. The first familiar notes ring out and everybody knows what's coming. People, young and old holler and  rush onto the dance floor; the jeune femmes jump on stage. The electricity circulates, feet get to moving, happiness abounds and if the assembly could speak in one voice, the message is unmistakable, " we are from the South, we like it and everyone else can F-off." 


When this happens, I get a tingly feeling and this mad urge to bayonet a few Yankees. Lord knows,
there are plenty of them around, they are like Mayflies. 
 
When I was growing up, I never knew what a belly-button was. My father just told us children that the hole in our stomach was "where the Yankee shot ya." Since all the other children I knew were fellow Virginians, it was logical to assume that the Yankees had shot them as well.
 
In the 6th grade, my family visited some friends of theirs who  had a house in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. I noticed that the Yankee children all had holes in their stomachs too. I thought, what mean sons of bitches, these people shot their own children.  I almost felt sorry for those kids.
 
By the way, it is my understanding that in today's PC world, it is now against the law to bayonet Yankees, so please write your representative.
 
 

IN PRAISE OF WOMEN.......

In solidarity with Phil Robertson, I decided to grow a beard (Handsome devil, aren't I?). I am an old salt who has been around the track a few times and there is a certain order to the universe that has been put in effect by God. Even old dogs learn new tricks, and this old dog continues to learn and marvel at the brilliance of this divine order.  Men and  women were put on this earth to compliment each other. Men are not worth anything without  women in their lives. Sure, we are pretty able creatures, we can build roads and skyscrapers, but everything men do, they do for the women.
 Women civilize us and make the world a better place. If there were no women, men would have no

inclination to do anything but compete against each other, we would club each other to death in a fortnight. Yet, we don't because it is in our DNA  to protect women and the children they bear.  Thus, our natural tendencies to burp, scratch ourselves and fight each other is redirected to more constructive purposes. Here is another revelation, women tend to be nicer people than men. Seriously, when I see another man on the street, the first synapse of thought that comes to my mind is "how would I take him in hand to hand combat?"  Women are different. Ever notice how when a woman sees another woman, they hug each other? ( I would rather stick a needle in my eye than hug some dude).  I coached an all girls U-12 soccer team once. I had to initiate a "No Hugging" rule. The girls were so busy hugging each other, they wouldn't get back on defense; it was fascinating ( by the way, we were undefeated and un-scored upon, and won the City championship that year). So what makes us want to do noble acts and "be good," is we want to measure up to women and have them like us. The only reason a man would ever go to the ballet is to impress some chick.

Men and women have different talents as well. My left brain constantly absorbs and organizes data such that I can make prudent decisions, but I suck at  instantly understanding what someone else is feeling (not that I would give a damn). If someone were to give me $ 1 million to win a pillow fluffing contest, I could practice all day for months and lose to a 6 year old girl. Women make our world prettier, nicer, better smelling and more pleasant. Not to be a big Sallyboy, but I kinda like what they do. I have gotten to the point where I actually change my underwear everyday.  Without women, we would be wearing loin cloths and living in caves, planning the next raid against the opposing village. Yet, because of women, we actually take our shirts to the dry cleaners and occasionally let them have the remote control.

God is an amazingly clever fellow. Who else could have come up with a system like this? 

The Art of Lying..............Let's Bring Back Dueling!!!!

I was in Court not too long ago with a notorious sleazeball lawyer as my adversary. The guy is a liar and he outright lied to the Judge while insulting my honor. I walked his way and came within a couple inches and loudly called him a liar.  As it appeared that I was going to punch him, the deputies sprang into action and the Judge admonished me. I could have very easily been locked up, but I have no regrets for defending my honor. This other lawyer, who has no respect for the truth will lie to the Court again and again simply because he can get away with it. There are few consequences to being untruthful in our Court system and in our national political arena, and this my friends is much of what is wrong with our country today.
 

This other lawyer has no shame to lie, no moral compunction nags at his conscience telling him not to lie. It would be damaging for him to have the Court sanction him for lying, but he knows that this is a remote possibility, because Courts don't have the time or inclination to pursue such things and if they did, he could always lie about the lies he told. Thus, lying to the slippery, parasite lawyer is a legal standard that has to  be adjudicated, instead of a simple right and wrong standard adhered to by one's soul.  The fact that others know he is a liar means nothing; there is no shame. These are the types of folks who become politicians (this guy ran for office) and sadly these are the folks who inhabit Washington.
 

Dueling Pistols

I understand why dueling was so prevalent in America and lasted well into the 19th century, especially in the South. The only way to protect your honor is to be willing to sacrifice everything to keep it. The one being "called out" had the opportunity to retract his lie or modify his misstatement. Surely, this system helped keep the pettifogging political classes in check,  as the consequences, a bullet at 20 paces, outweighed the immediate benefits of the lie.
 

How Do You Know When
 A lawyer Is Lying?

Our culture is being rotted by the fact that, among our so called leaders,  there simply is no shame or stigma to lying; in fact, the bigger liar one is, the more rewards there are. If the art of lying is perfected and executed, peerage status among the Washington nobility awaits. My work brings me in touch with all kinds of elected officials, including on occasion various congressmen and senators in DC.  I recently called to congratulate a member of the Board of Supervisors (pseudonym "Homer") in a rural Virginia county who I had had the privilege of working with. Homer, a hard working good ole boy, just won re-election. He is awesome because he is unscrupulously honest and humble. Upon concluding our conversation, he stated "Robbie, if I start getting too big for my britches, I want you to tell me and keep me in line." I love this guy. Sadly, Homer will never represent us in Washington, because Homer cannot lie, he cannot manipulate people and he cannot advocate anything that his conscience tells him is wrong.

If every politician in Washington was like Homer, we  would have a very limited government and no national debt. Instead, we have the opposite, and virtually no Homers. The Big Lie in Washington is that "Big Government Works." The charlatans who advocate on behalf of the omnipotent state deserve to be called out for their lies and manipulation.

There will always be good and bad people. However, we as a country (and a culture) need to bring back the stigma and shame associated with lying, such that we can be led by the "good people," instead of the "bad."

 Dueling anyone?