TOILETS, TECHNOLOGY AND BAD TIMING

Hey ladies, look at me!

Today, I visited the men's room at my local Starbucks and "sat down." I began to fumble with my phone and wish people Happy Birthday on FB. Unfortunately, one of my big manly thumbs
unknowingly hit an app that took a movie of me sitting on the throne. The other big manly thumb of mine accidentally hit the "send" button to the Birthday-ee. Now, if this was sent to one of my lug head friends, like Bo Montague, an incurable reprobate, no big deal. But alas, this was sent to an elderly lady friend of mine, a fine Christian woman to boot. She's on the Alter Guild!  No doubt, all the ladies at the Westminster Canterbury senior center are talking about what a sick puppy Rob Smith is. Sorry ladies......

I would say my reputation is in the toilet, but in order to ruin one's reputation, one has to have a reputation to lose. I lost mine years ago through various acts of chicanery and pettifoggery. Then I turned 8.  Ahh, what the hell, water off a duck's back. No penitence for me, I've done worse.

Rabbit Rabbit

One such technological foible happened in 2004. I had gotten divorced and moved into a new
neighborhood. A tall blond, who I didn't know brought me a casserole. Since she fed me, I felt obliged to be nice for a short spell. One night she came over and read me poetry ( high brow stuff, it barely rhymed) and another night we went and watched a foreign film at one of those places where little wispy guys smoke clove cigarettes and wear turtlenecks. Oh, the poetry reading. Let me clarify. It was not nekid poetry reading which most guys can stomach, but just plain old poetry reading. So she emailed me a few times, and I of course being a mature man, completely ignored her missives. Suzanne Apple who is a fine and upstanding lass from Memphis would often coach me via long distance on how not to be a boorish

No. This Did Not Happen!

pig. Apple told me I needed to respond. I emailed Apple and told her how I was afraid that Miss fully clothed "Emily Dickinson"  was going to boil a rabbit on my stove. As I recall, I used the quaint Elizabethan word "shrew" a couple times as well as every woman's favorite descriptive noun, the dreaded "B" word. I was really just "funnin" with my pal Miss Apple. Then when I hit the send button,....., ooops,....the email went to Miss Dickinson. Oh well, I've done worse........

Ha. Ha. Ha. Good one son!

Ever had 2 or 3 people text you at the same time and you text one of them a text meant for the other? You know how girls text each other little smiley faces and red little hearts to convey how much they love their friend. Well, guys don't do that. We are incredibly juvenile. We say outrageously rude and vulgar things, often with references to female body parts, farm animals and diminutive male members.   I had a super wealthy muckety muck from Dallas call me out of the blue one day.  I solved a vexing tax problem he thought had no resolution. He had spent millions trying to solve it.  I solved it over the phone. He loved me. He praised me.  The next Monday he was coming to visit me in Richmond. No doubt, I thought, he will exhibit his appreciation by bringing me a suit case full of $100 bills. Over the weekend, I had one of those multiple texts moments. Mistakenly, while he was on the 18th green of his fancy Dallas club and about to putt to win the match, he got a text from me telling him he had a tiny penis and an affinity for little boys. I immediately
realized my faux pas. Sh--, there goes the suitcase full of $$. An hour later, he called. Here it comes I thought.....and then he spoke; "got your text, I laughed my ass off. It relaxed me and I made the big putt!"

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Real men, the go-getter, hunter gatherer types, the types that make the world work send crude, juvenile and vulgar texts to their buds. This is what makes us men. The type of men who are offended by these types of texts drink  cucumber water and have ugly wives and girl friends. 

Hey George. Had a nice romp w
Martha last night. She says u have
 a  little penis. Ha Ha. Ben

In fact, it is fair to say,  western civilization owes its very existence to men sending crude, juvenile texts to one another.  Caesar  would have never conquered Gaul, Gutenberg would have never invented the printing press and Washington would have never crossed the Delaware without Ben Franklin texting him telling him he had a little weenie  (no doubt true on that evening). 

SAVING AMERICA AGAIN !!! I JUST FIXED THE HEALTH CARE CRISIS.

So instead of me just going to my doctor and negotiating how much he will charge me for a visit and paying him on the spot, like virtually all  other goods and services I purchase every day, President Obama tells me that I must pay a third party intermediary  (much more than I want to) to negotiate on my behalf ( big government liberals think we are all idiots and cannot do anything without their help). As a result, I have to shell out hundreds of dollars a month for something I don't need or want. On top of this, there are such things as co-pays and deductibles, leading to health insurance bills of over $5,000/year.  My family doctor has about 2,500 patients/year visit him, so many that he can only spend about 7 minutes with each patient. Now if each one of those patients takes that $5,000/year and pays  my doctor directly, he would have adjusted gross revenue of $12.5 million/year!  However, he is working 60-70 hours/week and only making $140,000/year. Now, if each one of his patients simply slipped him $ 150/year, he would have $375,000. If they paid him $400/year, he would have a cool million. There would be tens of thousands of people clamoring to get into medical school and no Dr. shortages.

Fixing the problem is as easy as simply paying doctors directly. How did things get so hopelessly out of whack? I can answer that in 3 words: Big Government Liberals (BGLs for short). Virtually every out of whack economic problem we have in this country is the fault of BGL's trying to help us because we are  too stupid to help ourselves. Social Security? Folks are too stupid to plan for themselves so the govt creates a giant Ponzi Scheme and bankrupts the country. Higher Education? The govt creates the student loan program and the costs of college soars and 22 year olds are saddled with $100,000 in debt. I can go on and on, but you get the picture.

During WWII, the govt under FDR enacted a wage and price freeze (another idiot BGL idea that never works). In order to get around the law, businesses started providing health insurance as a means  to pay workers more. Guess what, it was tax deductible to the employer, but individual health insurance was not. Thus, the govt created an incredibly stupid and perverse dynamic that eliminated the incentive for a consumer to monitor his medical costs. 70 years later, we are still saddled with this idiocy. Want to reduce health care costs dramatically? Easy. Take the tax deduction away from employers and give it to the individual. Better yet, do away with the tax deduction all together and it will drive health care costs even lower, as it will not be subsidized via the tax code.

Folks, the reason I  have such a grasp of economics is because I understand (liberals don't) that economics is ALL about human behavoir. Nobody cares about you or is going to make a better economic choice for you than you are. It ain't that difficult. It really is that simple.

I wish I could be humble, but...that would be no fun.  Please note that in the course of writing this column, I just saved America. Thank you.

Bus Ticket Back to Chi-Town

NEXT STOP HIGHLAND PARK!

As many of y'all know, I took a leave of absence from my job as Editor in Chief at ROB IS RIGHT to counsel the Romney campaign. Believing in journalistic integrity, I did not believe it was proper to write my award winning,  international column and actively work for one political party. Gee, I didn't want folks to think  I was biased or opinionated! However, I believe it is so important to send Barack back to Chi-town, I have decided to break my vow of silence and to use my national following and considerable influence to elect Mitt Romney the 45th President of the United States. Indeed, I have been doing whatever it takes behind the scenes over the past few months. For example:

Ann Was Practicing Before Debate

Notice how Barack was kinda flustered during the first debate? I was making goofy faces at him in the audience. Ann Coulter (she digs me by the way) and I took turns making  the little rabbit sign with our fingers behind Michelle's head when the President was talking.

Right before the Vice-Presidential Debate, I gave the Barista at the Centre College  Starbucks a handful of caffeine pills to slip into Joe Biden's skinny vanilla latte (no soy). I think it made Joe look a little jumpy.

The  Democratic Party relies a lot on the illegal alien vote. I have been conducting educational  seminars along the Texas and California border. Do you know what the word  "barack" means in Spanish? Arrogant, big eared, liberal, know it all, that's what. I think I turned a few votes.

Then there is the techno geek buddy of mine I had hack into the 22 million free cell phones Barack has doled out to buy votes. On Tuesday morning, there is going to be a pre-recorded message on each phone informing each owner of the new Obama Free Color TV Initiative and where to pick them up on election day. This should keep a few voters away from the polls.

American Bar Association

Our team of dirty tricksters will keep the trail lawyer lobby away from the polls by feigning automobile accidents all over the country. We are mobilizing 100,000 ambulances. 

I have devised similar dirty tricks to be played on the felon vote, the ugly woman I hate men vote, the fat slovenly federal worker vote, the ultra white skin I have not  taken a bath in 6 years Vegan vote, the limousine liberal I actually own a little yappy lap dog vote and the people of French ancestry vote; all of whom are core constituencies of the Democratic Party. I can't disclose these tactics, but needless to say, like me, they are BRILLIANT! 

                     ROB (Who Is Always Right)
                     Reporting From Secret Dirty Tricks Bunker
                     Somewhere, North America

HAPPY DRUNKEN IRISH DAY!!!

Click Here For
DRUNKEN IRISH DAD SONG

One of the great benefits of being generally disliked and loathed by so many people is you can say pretty much anything you want without worrying about folks getting mad at you.  I have already offended pretty much everyone who can read, which means most everyone in 49 of the 50 states. ( I am anxious for West Virginia to get its literacy rate above 10% so I can piss them off too). My point is I can speak the unvarnished truth and say things like  "Happy Drunken Irish Day." Seriously, what are the Irish really known for and don't tell me great writers like James Joyce and George Bernard Shaw,...the Irish are known for GETTING DRUNK AND FIGHTING. None of the happy, jovial blokes throwing up in the streets today watching Hibernian parades have even heard of Leopold Bloom's odyssey, nor do they know that St. Patrick really came from England, ....nope they are just getting drunk because its fun to get drunk and the Irish are damn good at it.


St. Patrick's Day's  popularity with the non-Irish has a lot to do with pretty much everybody likes to get liquored up and have fun. Now its a legit holiday! Perhaps this is really how the Irish really "Saved Civilization." 

 2012 West Virginia English
 Speaking Union Officers

Wouldn't it be a better world if we as a country/culture just called a spade a spade and gave things a more truthful moniker. Take Labor Day. Nobody works on Labor Day, so why the hell do we call it "Labor" Day? Wouldn't a more truthful name be "Day 6 Of The 10 Free Vacation Days Taxpayers Give To Incompetent Government Worker's Day."


Valentine's Day should be called "You Better Buy Her Something Or You Won't Be Gettinjiggy Day."


Mother's Day. See definition of Valentine's Day above.


Well, I would continue to rant about other names,  but it is a beautiful day and I am off to the Irish Festival,.....

PAYROLL TAX FAX

Our Founding Fathers designed a system of government that was dependent on the consent of the governed for its existence. Wary of a strong central government, the Founders created a system where the federal government could not be funded without the authorization of citizen legislators who would serve their country for a brief period of time and then return home to pursue private affairs divorced from and not dependent on the tentacles of government.

Edmund Burke

 One of my favorite quotes (and favorite political theorists)  is that of Edmund Burke, the great British Whig ( and perhaps father of modern conservatism) who stated in   1770, "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Burke also stated that "...people never give up their liberties but under some delusion (1784)." He also stated "... true danger is when liberty is nibbled away, for expedients, and by parts (1777)." Good men of the 21st century should pay close attention to the 18th century British politicist. Let's begin with the "payroll tax" which has been much in the news the past fortnight.


Washington's ineptitude to accomplish any act of sound fiscal responsibility is firmly established by its recent action to extend the recent payroll tax reduction for an extra two months. Big Whoop. Social Security, a horrifically bad idea to begin with is bankrupt, so what does Congress do? It reduces the revenue earmarked to support social security by 30% ( from 6.2 to 4.2%).  Congress is fiscally retarded. However, what really ought to be debated is the complete elimination of "payroll taxes"  and "employee withholding" all together. Edmund Burke would approve. If folks had to write a check to the government themselves for these taxes, there would be an immediate rebellion.


For those of you who have never owned a business, let's review how payroll taxes work and their history:

Dear Little People: I Will
Spend Your Money For You
I Went To Harvard

No surprise here, but that great man of the people, Franklin Roosevelt (elitist blowhard) came up with the idea of payroll taxes because he felt the American people were too dumb to realize that they would be scammed. Here is the way they work: Joe Sixpack gets a job at Bubba's Micro- Brewery.  His true wage ( cost to Bubba's) is $31 /hour, but Bubba's  only pays him $ 18.60/hour. Why? Because Bubba's is required to pay 7.65% of his wages to the IRS for Social Security (6.2%)  and Medicare (1.45%). Bubba's also pays all of Joe's health insurance at a cost of $6,000/year because the IRS allows Bubba's to deduct all of these costs, but doesn't allow Joe to shop for his own insurance, get a better deal and then deduct all these expenses on his tax return. Joe is in the 25% tax bracket ( 35k to 85k). Joe earns $50,000/year and the government takes 25% of this, $12,500 in federal taxes. Joe receives a weekly payroll check of $744. If there were no withholding taxes, Joe would likely receive $ 64,825/year or $1,247/week, 40.44 % more than he does now. ( This does not include any state taxes).  The $64,825 is calculated as follows:


$50,000 base salary
$ 3,825 FICA Tax Paid By Employer
$ 6,000 Health Insurance Paid By Employer
$ 5,000 Pain In The Ass Expense


For those who doubt "the pain the ass expense," you obviously have never run a business. An employer has to make a margin off of every expense line item to stay afloat, the cost of complying with and capital risk identified with federal employment regulations  surely exceeds 10% of gross wages.

SORRY CHUMPS
BUT YOUR $$$ BELONGS TO US!!!

The most pernicious aspect of this system is  before Joe gets his check, Bubba's  has to wire the IRS 32.65% of his earnings ( 25% plus 7.65%). Thus before Joe can even enjoy the fruit of his labor, the federal government swipes (steals) 1/3 of his paycheck away from him. If Bubba's is one minute late in wiring the IRS this money (usually one full banking day before Joe gets paid), Bubba's  is immediately fined 2% of its IRS payroll deposit. The owners of Bubba's ( Bubba and Charlene, who are responsible parties) are personally liable to the IRS and can go to jail if they do not pay this withholding tax to the IRS. If one studies the legislative history of the "Current Tax Payment Act of 1943," the act that the Roosevelt administrative concocted to create "withholding taxes," it is clear that Roosevelt's desire was to confiscate the earnings of the wage earner  before the wage earner received his earnings.  For once the wage earner received his money, it would be much harder for the government to collect taxes that the taxpayer objected to paying.  It was war time and FDR was a master of the "never let a good crisis go to waste" school of politics.  FDR and his merry men of socialists made the argument that tax payers should sacrifice "just like our soldiers" and thus the people, no doubt distracted by events overseas, were duped into the loss of their liberty. The congressional record is clear, the real purpose of the Act was for an avaricious  government to confiscate the wealth of its people through intimidation and manipulation.  67 years after WWII ended, the federal government still takes your money that you have earned before you even get paid. You do not have the choice to protest because your money is stolen from you before you get it. Your employer goes to jail  and his business is fined out of existence if he does not comply.

WE INSULT OUR FOREFATHERS
WHO SACRIFICED EVERYTHING
FOR LIBERTY

We as Americans have " just accepted"  this incredible loss of liberty. Think about it: before you even get paid, the government swoops in and takes 1/3 of your earnings. If each taxpayer got the full fruit of his earnings, in this case $ 1,247/week as opposed to $744 and taxpayers then wrote a check to the IRS, there would be a "Shay's Rebellion" revolt. Each taxpayer would quickly see what a rip off  Social Security is and also see  how being empowered to spend their own health care dollars would save them money and give them better health care options. Moreover, the cost of compliance with all this regulation would translate into an immediate real wage increase for all Americans.


The real debate in Washington should be "why do we allow the federal government to enslave us?" Rob says LIVE FREE OR DIE!

A CURMUDGEON'S MUSINGS ON CHRISTMAS



MR. POTTER



I don't like Christmas. I know that is not a warm and fuzzy thing to say, but then again I have never been accused of being warm and fuzzy. I am mean as a snake, in fact I make  mean slithering snakes look like cute little puppies.  The only thing I like about Christmas is when Mr. Potter says:

" You see, if you shoot pool with some employee here, you can come and borrow money. What does that get us? A discontented, lazy rabble instead of a thrifty, working class."

 That is a great line! ( It really warms my heart).

Hey Kid, Go Play In The Freeway

About the only thing fun about Christmas is telling little kids there is no Santa Claus.  I guess you could say I have a strong independent streak. I don't like being like everyone else.  If everybody else is being nice and syrupy, I am going to be mean and grumpy. What's more, I hate being told what to do. The 4 times I have actually done something nice for someone else ( 1977, 1986, 1990 and 1997), I did it because I felt like it, not because someone told me to. If you ask me politely to take the trash out, I will do it, but if you TELL ME to take the trash out, I am going to dump it all out on your kitchen floor and walk out. Sorry, that's just the way I am wired and by the way: EAT ME!

Doc, Why Does Santa  Hate Me?

I have given Christmas a lot of thought and frankly we Americans  have really screwed Christmas up and in the process caused all kinds of (lifetime) psychological damage to generations of children. Christmas is excessive; it is TOO much. It ain't healthy. No doubt, Christmas is a magical time for an 8 year old. The problem is, as adults we expect to FEEL the same way at Christmas as we did when we  were 8. Children grow up to be adults with unrealistic expectations of what Christmas should be. As a result, it seems that depression, family squabbles, undue stress and many other dysfunctions  reach their zenith at Christmas. We try to assuage all these ills by making Christmas "bigger," instead of realizing that it is the "bigness" of Christmas that causes all these problems.  
 

My Recent Haul From Dinner Party

While I am woeful sinner, a first rate scoundrel and  always up to no good, I do know a thing or two about Christian theology. Such knowledge comes in handy. For example, no host of a fancy dinner party would ever expect you of stealing their  silver if you are pretending to be pious and waxing eloquently about the Babylonian  Exile or the Doctrine of the Trinity. If you are at a bar and meet a babe and start talking about the Synoptic Gospels or transubstantiation, the woman will trust you and almost always tell you to watch her pocketbook while she goes to Ladies Room. (Of course when she gets back, you are gone with enough small bills to keep you occupied a few hours at the local, uh,....dance club).




Dude, let's get some Munchies
 after the pageant !!!

All kidding aside: I have a serious point to make. As much as I know about Christian theology, I never really understood what Christmas was "truly" about until a few years ago. I have attended 100 Christmas pageants where  the local 15 year old "stoner" recites the familiar "Christmas" passages from Luke. ( By the way, I have always been a little pissed at my parents for not naming me Caesar Augustus instead of Rob). One Christmas Eve, I attended the midnight Messiah service at my church, St. James Episcopal in Richmond. The music was beautiful and quite frankly I was moved by it. I listened attentively to Handel's lyrics. As the service ended, the  choir processed under the candle light onto  the portico and stood among the massive Corinthian columns and sang Silent Night in German. ( I haven't even mastered Pig Latin, so naturally I was impressed).   As I and everyone else quietly walked to our cars in the brisk,  cold air, it SUDDENLY HIT ME. 

JESUS
Ok, I couldn't find a current photo
of the real Jesus

 Christmas of course is  not about toys or material things. However,  it is not really about the birth of Jesus. Christmas is about the GIFT of Jesus to a broken world to heal and reconcile us with each other and with Him. No rancor, no bitterness, only joy.

Now, that I think about it: I DO LIKE CHRISTMAS!!!

Joy. It is a damn good gift. ( Much better than a fruitcake).

Joy to the World and Merry Christmas!

MEN LIKE TO PEE OUTSIDE

I Wonder If I Can Kill
This Rose Bush?

12/01/2011

I'll be the first to acknowledge that as smart and brilliant as I am, I know nothing about women. Indeed, it is impossible to "study up" on women, because the answers to the exam questions are always changing. However, men never change, we are always the same. With this said, I am always surprised at how little women know about men. For example, we like to pee outside.

Women are always trying to get men to behave in certain ways that are totally contrary to our nature: like peeing indoors. We like to pee outside, preferably on something. I'm sorry, but if your prize daffodils are in a big clay pot, we are going to pee on them, we can't help it. When I was growing up, my boyhood dog, Moonshine used to pee on the tires of all visitors to our house: not just one tire, but he would meticulously conserve his urine and pee an equal amount on all 4 tires. Moonshine was a man's man kind of dog. God, I love that dog.

Keep The Toilet Seat Up America!

Recently, I was chastised by a lady pal of mine for not putting the toilet seat down after peeing. I am a nice guy, and I try to get along with folks, so after about the 83rd reprimand, I began to get it. The other day while visiting, I peed, I took several steps, remembered,  and then walked back into the bathroom to lower the toilet seat, and to my horror, I had involuntarily without any conscious thought already lowered the damn thing. Aghast, I thought to myself, ... I have been domesticated, I am now a "Stepford" drone of a man, life is over as I had known it. The gulag awaits. I felt as though someone had taken an oyster knife, excised my testicles and I was now First Soprano for the Vienna Boy's Choir.......... I wasn't going to take it, I had to fight back!!!  I promptly walked back in the bathroom and raised the toilet seat. I did this for America. I WILL NEVER LOWER THE TOILET SEAT AGAIN!!!!

Do We Want This Kind of America?

The idea that men should lower the toilet seat (much less pee inside) is anathema to the rugged individualism that made this country great. I have no doubt that the toilet seat expectation began to gain traction about the same time that we started to enroll our sons into youth soccer programs. Think about it. Boys should play sports where they throw a ball. How are they ever going to be able to throw a hand grenade with any degree of accuracy at our enemies if they grow up playing a Euro-Socialist sport like soccer?  I have no doubt that soccer is another leftist, Saul Alinsky plot to undermine America. I am sure it is all there in the first chapter of the Community Activist Handbook. (Comrades, get the American children to play soccer: workers unite!).

Or This Kind Of America?

Women of America, if you care about your country, you need to drop this silly toilet seat expectation. What you are really doing to your man is telling him that he is a loser and  he must give up on all his aspirations and dreams, wear a cardigan sweater and be consigned to a lifetime of only being able to read the "Lady's Home Journal." We didn't conquer the West, defeat the Nazis and win the Cold War by lowering the damn toilet seat!

You androgynous chumps go ahead and listen to Betty Lou, but as for me, I love America,  and I am going to walk outside right now and pee on Mrs. Johnson's Chrysanthemums. Men of America, you are either with me or against me. Charge!!!!

THANKSGIVING: THE PC VERSION

AS TAUGHT IN THE HALLOWED HALLS OF AMERICA'S MOST ELITE UNIVERSITIES!!!

Earl of Salisbury

Once upon a time, there was a dangerous group of religious zealots who lived in England. This radical right group was filled with hate and persecuted all those around them. These hypocritical nut jobs wanted to separate from the rest of society. In 1607,  on a campaign stop in San Francisco, Robert Cecil, the Earl of Salisbury and minister to the Crown stated, "it is not surprising that they get bitter and cling to their guns or religion or antipathy to other people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

THE FIRST PILGRIMS
Darryl, Darryl and Darryl

These wackos believed the silly superstitions and archaic myths in the Christian bible and were such hillbilly rubes  that  they believed they could do a better job educating their children than the state supported school monopoly. Moreover, they resisted paying their tithes to the state supported church. Incredibly, these ignoramuses actually thought that they should be able to keep their own money as opposed to giving their money to the Archbishop of Canterbury, a wise and educated man who of course was much better equipped to spend their money than they were. Moreover, in the name of "family values,"  these bumpkins held medieval ideas such as fidelity in marriage and sexual abstinence  for 13 year olds, all designed of course  to oppress and enslave women.

Gov. William Bradford

Thankfully, there were wise "diversity" laws in England that prevented people from disagreeing with the government and those that did were sent to re-education camp in the Tower of London. Before being rounded up, these troublemakers left the country and settled in the Netherlands in 1608.  Their leader William "Jerry Falwell" Bradford was a domestic terrorist. However, being the xenophobic rubes that they were, Bradford and his cult soon became disenchanted with the "licentiousness" of the Dutch. Being uneducated and simple, Bradford's cult could not discern the enlightened wisdom associated with Amsterdam's liberal prostitution and drug culture, much less the good sense it made to give free needles to heroin users.

Rupert Murdoch and the Koch Brothers

After 12 years of living amongst the enlightened Dutch, Bradford and his ninnies decided to leave for America in 1620, but they did not have the money for the trip. Thus, they  engaged in a crass capitalistic scheme by "hooking up" with the Virginia Company, an evil profit making venture backed by Rupert Murdoch and the Koch Brothers. 102  "pilgrims" boarded the Mayflower to America on a mission to cause ecological damage to the Earth and to commit genocide against the much smarter and noble natives who had the good sense to reject all commercialism and thus ran around naked, freezing to death in wintry Massachusetts. These natives, who had no written language, could not forge metal,  had not yet invented the wheel and smelled really badly, were nevertheless much, much smarter than the English settlers who had just crossed 3,000 miles of ocean. ( Having a callous disregard for the Earth, it is now known that the Pilgrims on the Mayflower did not recycle and dumped their waste products into the Atlantic Ocean!!!).




Miles Standish and Priscilla Alden Descending From Mayflower

Recognizing that the natives were smarter, better educated and more cultured than the hayseed Pilgrims, their leader and Ayatollah, the militant warlord, Captain Miles Standish came up with a cunning plan. Standish would not commit genocide against the natives until he could use them by allowing the good natured blokes to reveal  all the secrets of the universe to the Visigoth Pilgrims. While Standish engaged in lewd sexual acts with his trollop, Priscilla "Eva Braun" Alden, the good natured natives planted and harvested a bounty crop using organic and green farming methods.  The gluttonous English ate all of the food and then in their superstitious and boorish manner, gave thanks to their "lamo" Christian god, with no acknowledgement or thanks to the Earth for its caring for the Pilgrims.




Squanto's G, G, G, Great Grandson

 After dinner, the Pilgrims killed all the good people and eviscerated all elements of their culture which was much superior and advanced than that of the English. It is now known that the natives (the good people), had a very low carbon foot print as their method of living in squalor, disease and constant starvation was very good for the Earth. Had their culture survived, there is a high degree of likelihood that America today would not have been burdened with wealth, prosperity and technological advancement and of course the world would be a much better place. Today, the only known remnants of this lost and idealized culture are found in small pockets of major American cities, where Occupy Wall Street  and Antifa protesters are known to smell as bad as Squanto and Samoset and disavow all modern conveniences, such as toilets, education and soap.

And this is why we should all hate America.......

SEX, JOBS AND CROOKED LAWYERS

SEX, JOBS AND CROOKED LAWYERS.

Herman Cain

I have news for the world. Men are pigs and women are crazy. I am the only nationally recognized (and acclaimed ) editorialist who has the guts to say this. Here, let me say it again: men are pigs and women are crazy. You won't be served this kind of meat and potatoes from the New York Times. Maureen Dowd, whose very existence proves the later part of my proclamation, will not admit this, but folks, let's face it: ROB IS RIGHT AGAIN.

 


Men Are Pigs

Scientific evidence confirms  that men think about sex 74 times every 6.5 seconds. I know of very few men who have not made a lewd comment towards a woman. Men are primal animals. Women civilize us. They domesticate us, they make us better people.  I will be the first to admit that women are better people than men. With this said, women are crazy. I know very few women who do not hold on to real or perceived grievances their whole life. 45 year old Louise hates 45 year old Jimmy because Jimmy forgot to return her  pencil back in the 7th grade. Billy Shakespeare knew what he was talking about regarding scorned women. Any divorced guys out there?  Yeah, well, you know what I am talking about. As soon as you walk out the door the revisionist history begins and suddenly you are a drunken, crack addict, deadbeat, child abuser, bank robber with a little p_ _ _ _. (this is a family oriented website, words such as penis are strictly prohibited, ...oooops). 

I have no doubt that Herman Cain may have tossed out some sexual innuendo. Men do such things. I also know that a man can never know how a woman is going to react to a compliment or a good natured ribbing.  I have had flower pots thrown at me for saying "you look nice in that dress dear."  


Shyster Lawyer

 I will also state something else that no other editorialist has the guts to say: Federal sexual  harassment laws are idiotic and should be repealed and have unintended negative consequences that far outweigh the benefits of these laws. Before we became such a sniveling, androgynous and litigious society and thus abdicated our rights and responsibilities to  piss ant pettifoggers, social convention ( which costs no tax dollars) did as a good of a job as is possible in holding men accountable for piggish acts. It worked like this, especially down here in the South: you mess with my daughter and I'm going to KILL you. It's that simple.         
( I trust all young men who may be inclined to date one of my daughters heard me). I have a lady friend, if some dude does not treat her with the ladylike deference she deserves, I will confront him, embarrass him, shame him and if he gives me any lip, I will punch him. This is what my daddy taught me and his daddy taught him. This is the way that social convention works, the perp is humiliated because all of society condemns his act. As a man, in my case, a big strapping hoss of a man, I have the absolute right to punch someone who takes advantage of a woman. No one is going to file a battery charge against me because fat slobs who treat women poorly get punched ( by big strapping hosses like myself) in a society that does not have EEOC laws. 

Strapping Hoss Kickin Ass

Enter the corrupt busybodies in Washington. They enact sexual harrassment  laws, sounds good and well intentioned, but there is always another motive in Washington. Congress is 90% lawyers. Follow the money, which leads straight to the trial lawyers' lobby, who in turn, give money straight back to Congress.  Once a "law" is enacted to fix a perceived problem, then all social  forces that were already monitoring and fixing the problem abdicate these social responsibilities to "the government." Society loses its self-policing function and is now stuck with an incredibly inefficient, cumbersome and expensive process that a big strapping hoss ( like myself) whose daddy "taught him right" was fixing for no costs.

 

Sexual harrassment  laws take advantage of the perfect storm created by the differences between men and women. Memo to Gloria Steinem: men and women are different.  In the vulgar age of "Real Housewives of Atlanta" do we really think that most of the women who bring actions are truly offended or actually harassed? No, these laws are just a gravy train for aggrieved and bitter  parties to make a quick buck. These inane laws are an incredible tax on jobs, and hurt the people they are "supposedly" protecting the most. However, the real purpose of these laws is to enrich slime ball lawyers.

Slime Ball Lawyer

I know. In 1994, a company I bought was hit with a series of these suits. One of my managers was a tough dude, tough, but fair. A few employees under him (men and women), complete white trash lowlifes , contacted Mr. P, a parasite EEOC plaintiffs lawyer, who brought a series of groundless EEOC and ADA suits. Mr. P, if you are out there today reading my blog, you are a complete slime ball. Mr. P instructed his clients to lie and they did. When they were caught in these lies, they were instructed to lie again. $440,000 in legal fees later, we won all of our cases. Indeed, several of the litigants perjured themselves. Excited to have the goods on these no count, worthless, trifling excuses for humanity, I went to my white shoe law firm and said " Boys, let's go to the U.S. Attorney and get him to prosecute these folks for lying under oath." I was met with bellyaching laughter, "why the U.S. Attorney is not going to prosecute anyone for perjury," snicker, snicker- how naive are you Smith! Aren't you boys outraged that someone would lie under oath." More snickers. That's when the light bulb went off and I learned a valuable lesson. Lawyers are crooks. They have no incentive to change the system, because they are part of the system. In every aspect in life, even things that appear august and noble, follow the money to see whose palm is being greased.

Follow the $$$

EEOC laws are nothing more than a tax on hiring people. In fact, this country would be at 100% employment if it were not for the array of silly "employment" laws that prevent people from being hired, keeping good talent on the sidelines instead of producing much needed goods and services in the private economy. The $440,000 wasted on this litigation would have been money used to grow my business, providing new and better jobs to deserving employees who produce a product that the public desires to buy on their own volition. Instead, these jobs were not created because the money is diverted through federal coercion to lawyers who produce nothing the public wants to buy. The people who profess to care about worker's rights are fattening their own wallets at the expense of a higher standard of living for workers who are not lawyers.

Speaking of Shakespeare and lawyers, there is a great quote in Henry VI.......