AUMMMMMM..................

Well, I am on my way to 8 o'clock church Sunday morning, and tall, blond, hot as a firecracker _______ (We'll call her "Kunda Lini" to protect her identity, being an acquaintance of mine will undoubtredly ruin her social status ) texts me asking if I will go to "church" with her at 9:30. Well the first thing that goes through my mind is ...."she wants to have sex with me." The second thing that goes through my mind is.... "if I go to church with her, maybe she will have sex with me." Either way, I didn't think Jesus would mind what church I went to. By the way, whenever an attractive woman pays the least bit of attention to a man, the first thing we think is "aha, she wants to have sex with me." Take out the trash dear, ...aha, code language for "gettin nekid." Now, 99.9% of the time when we have these thoughts, there is no nekidness, and we get duped into having to sit through 3 hours of the ballet for nothing. Somehow, we never learn.
Well 9:30 church turned out to be a huge outdoor yoga class. Here are my impressions:

There was a hippie looking dude playing some kind of mandolin and chanting, another guy who hadn't bathed in the past month would beat a drum about every 45 seconds. I was a little concerned that there might be some "Jim Jones" punch and this was the end of the world. I would have been a lot more relaxed if Barry White was onstage in a blue jump suit singing "Love Serennade." There was also a lot of pagan sounding talk about "the earth" and the "wind" and feeling each other's "energy." ( I had Mexican the night before, so I am quite sure those down "wind" of me felt my "energy"). I looked up, half expecting to see Druids in all the trees. Then we were supposed to close our eyes and think nice thoughts about the universe while the instructor chicks all made this whale like, AUMMMM sound. ( My eyes weren't really shut, and I wasn't thinking nice thoughts either, I took the opportunity to stare at KL's ass).

Speaking of instructor chicks, there were 10 of them, I quickly graded them all, one of them, the one I had given the highest grade, was very Scandanavian looking and was wearing a cowboy hat. Shazam! Half way through one of the whaling sessions, when KL had her buttocks up in the air, she came up to KL and practically got on top of her. Later KL told me she was adjusting her "core," whatever that means, all I know is it was damn hot! ( That is Inga above).

The next thing we did was all hold hands and form a big daisy chain and dance around the meadow, excuse me, I mean the "earth." It reminded me of doing the Love Train (O'Jays) at a St. Margaret's School dance when I was in the 11th grade. I didn't mind it a bit. I didn't understand all the references to "breathing,"... what is so hard about breathing? Well, I did kind of lose my breath when Inga and KL were "gettin it on." Double Shazam!


Well for all of y'all who think I am a boorish, provincial and superficial pig, now you know better. Now you know how enlightend, progressive, tolerant and open minded I am. Guess I showed you. AUMMMMM.....

HOW TO SAVE AMERICA!

America is in deep trouble. We are drowning in debt, and we are in the midst of a protracted period of economic stagnation and dysfunction. But not to worry folks, ROB HAS A PLAN, and it is extraordinarily simple. ( If you would like to personally thank me for saving America, email me and I will give you wiring instructions to my checking account). My plan can be summed up in 5 simple words. Ready? Here goes:

DON'T RAISE THE DEBT CEILING

It is that simple. Many people are surprised when I tell them I am not a Republican. Oh, I may vote Republican, as a choice between the lesser of two evils, but the problem with Republicans in Washington is they don't have any testicles (sorry to sound so clinical, but this is a family oriented blog). Nancy Pelosi has more testosterone than the entire GOP caucus , Rand Paul excepted. If one really believes that our government is corrupt, out of control and needs dramatic downsizing and restructuring, then DON'T RAISE THE DEBT CEILING.

This year we will spend $3.82 trillion, 43% of it, $ 1.665 trillion borrowed. $12,730 for every man, woman and child. $5,461 extra debt for every man, woman and child. In 2003, the federal government spent $2.154 billion. Can anybody remember 2003? The federal government was out of control back then too, spending 10% more than it did in 2002. I can't remember anyone in 2003 saying the federal government was living in a tarpaper shack.

We could easily cut spending back to 2003 levels. The only way to restructure government is to starve it. Necessity is the Mother of invention. $ 1.665 trillion less government spending, means $ 1.665 trillion of worldwide capital voluntarily flowing to productive wealth creating sources, instead of the dead weight of government. Voila, Rob saves America.

No need to thank me, just send money.

BASEBALL, FATHER'S DAY AND AMERICA

Baseball is inextricably tied to the greatness of America. Now, if you are one of the many women addicted to my blog, go on back in the kitchen or go darn some socks, because you just won't get the rest of this column.

In the good ole USA, boys play baseball. Boys love baseball, grown men love baseball. The fondest memories of my life (and those of most guys I know) revolve around baseball. Today is Father's Day, and I can honestly say that the best, most blissful time of my life was when I would come home from work and my boy would be waiting for me with his glove on, my glove in his lap and a baseball in his hand. We would pitch, field grounders, catch pop ups, play hotbox and have batting practice. Hundreds of baseball games would follow, most of which I coached, and never, ever, not for one second did I ever tire of it all. There is no experience, absolutely none, any better than just playing catch with your son or your old man. It is indescribable sheer joy and contentment.

Only baseball evokes such awesome memories, you can hear, feel, smell and taste them: falling asleep while listening to the Orioles on the AM radio, the crack of a wood bat, the smell of cut grass, the dusty infield dirt stuck between your teeth and drying up your throat, oiling your glove to break it in, sliding head first and hugging the bag, baseball chatter......
I went to school in England for a bit and remember going to a "fair" on the town green in Cambridge, where there was a game throwing a ball to knock over milk bottles. I like the Brits, my second favorite country, our best ally, but even the Brits can't throw a damn ball. Noodle arms. It was sad, it was embarrassing. No wonder they lost their Empire. Once I tossed a pack of cigarettes to "Jean Paul" at a Paris Cafe, he dropped his little demitasse cup and spilled espresso all over himself. Pitiful.

It is a simple and undeniable fact that America rules the world because of baseball. My name is Rob, and I am....(always) RIGHT.

DON'T TOUCH MY WEINER!!!

Anthony Weiner is in the news. The Weiners and the Smiths have always had a love hate relationship. Don't get me wrong, Weiners know how to have fun; they are hard working and attentive, but sometimes they have led us Smiths astray. We certainly admire their independence, but sometimes we question their lack of judgment.

We shared a beach cottage once. We Smiths were content to stay in and play scrabble, but oh no, not the Weiners! When we protested, the Weiners would always get worked up,.... they are very excitable ( See Anthony's press conferences). Somehow the Weiners would always get their way and we'd always end up at some cheesy bar along the Boardwalk. Those Weiners have very strong personalities, frankly we were no match for them.

The following year, we went to Queens and stayed in a whole house full of Weiners. We ran into some people from Richmond at the Mets game and exposed our Weiner freinds to them. They were not amused. They said the Weiners were rude and ugly. Well nobody insults our Weiners like that! Right when things were about to explode, cooler heads prevailed.

My Dad's first cousin, Walter Lefew was VERY close to a bunch of Weiners. He was an old southern bachelor ( wink!) and would often have parties full of Weiners at his house in Windsor Farms. When I was little, my Mother and I would visit cousin Walter. Well, if he came to the door at noon wearing a silk bathrobe and an ascot, my Mom would just know that he was entertaining Weiners and would quickly scurry me down the street. Cousin Walter was a big art collector. I remember Mother saying something about art collectors really liking Weiners. This always confused me because all the Weiners I ever knew were rather bull headed and cared nothing about art, except for those Rubens portraits of fat women.

The Weiners were always funny dressers too. When I was at the University

of Virginia, during cooler or inclement weather, a lot of guys wore those London Fog trench coats. This made sense, but what was always puzzling to me was the Weiners always wore rain coats, even on warm summer days. When I was 16, my Dad gave me a lecture about how smart all the Weiners were for wearing their raincoats and that I should emulate them. I still don't know what the hell he was talking about.

Well, I understand from reading the papers that Anthony Weiner has gotten into some sort of trouble. I always liked Anthony, he's a first class Weiner for sure.

NEKID WOMEN!!! Click Here For Pictures

Ok, there are no pictures of nekid women here, but I did include an image of Barney, cute isn't he? Sorry for the deception, I especially want to apologize to my friend Sarge, who I know was the first to hit the click button, but I had to get y'all's attention. You see my name is Rob and I am always Right. (This might have something to do with me being divorced, having women constantly throw drinks in my face and being called an A-HOLE on more than one occasion).

Our government is $14 trillion in debt, and we are spending $1.5 trillion more than we are taking in each year. Know how much money $1.5 trillion is? That is $5,000 of extra debt for every man, woman and child in America. So if you are married and have 3 children, the government just

ran up your American Express card $25,000. "Thank you Sir, may I have another!" In another 10 years, this will be $250,000 on your card. Since 50% of the American public pays no income taxes, every taxpaying family will be "chinged" $500,000 over the next 10 years, and at 3% interest (current 10 yr T-Bill), your card's balance will be $591,000.

What do you get for the Federalismos, I mean Federal-lame-o s charging $591,000 to your credit card? N-U-T-H-I-N. Most everything the Feds are doing with your money can be and is

being done by the private sector, more efficiently and at a fraction of the cost. Ouch! Thank you Sir, may I have another! Moreover, this incredible waste of money is crowding out real investment by the private sector that creates real jobs and lasting wealth. (This is why after trillions of dollars in faux "stimulus," the economy is still spiraling downward).

These numbers don't lie. Congress and Washington's actions are criminal. (Both parties are to blame). We are witnessing the most irresponsible period of government leadership in American history. Why? It ain't their money, that's why. These "Narcissitic Neros" care only about their own power and the next Georgetown cocktail party. They fiddle while Rome burns.

Unless, we "kick the bums" out, here is what history teaches us. The Beltway Senatorial Charlatans will purposefully debase the currency, confiscating trillions of dollars of hard earned private sector wealth to avoid the crisis they created. They will ask for our gratitude and votes for their "good deeds."

Thank you Sir, may I have another!!!