TOILETS, TECHNOLOGY AND BAD TIMING

Hey ladies, look at me!

Today, I visited the men's room at my local Starbucks and "sat down." I began to fumble with my phone and wish people Happy Birthday on FB. Unfortunately, one of my big manly thumbs
unknowingly hit an app that took a movie of me sitting on the throne. The other big manly thumb of mine accidentally hit the "send" button to the Birthday-ee. Now, if this was sent to one of my lug head friends, like Bo Montague, an incurable reprobate, no big deal. But alas, this was sent to an elderly lady friend of mine, a fine Christian woman to boot. She's on the Alter Guild!  No doubt, all the ladies at the Westminster Canterbury senior center are talking about what a sick puppy Rob Smith is. Sorry ladies......

I would say my reputation is in the toilet, but in order to ruin one's reputation, one has to have a reputation to lose. I lost mine years ago through various acts of chicanery and pettifoggery. Then I turned 8.  Ahh, what the hell, water off a duck's back. No penitence for me, I've done worse.

Rabbit Rabbit

One such technological foible happened in 2004. I had gotten divorced and moved into a new
neighborhood. A tall blond, who I didn't know brought me a casserole. Since she fed me, I felt obliged to be nice for a short spell. One night she came over and read me poetry ( high brow stuff, it barely rhymed) and another night we went and watched a foreign film at one of those places where little wispy guys smoke clove cigarettes and wear turtlenecks. Oh, the poetry reading. Let me clarify. It was not nekid poetry reading which most guys can stomach, but just plain old poetry reading. So she emailed me a few times, and I of course being a mature man, completely ignored her missives. Suzanne Apple who is a fine and upstanding lass from Memphis would often coach me via long distance on how not to be a boorish

No. This Did Not Happen!

pig. Apple told me I needed to respond. I emailed Apple and told her how I was afraid that Miss fully clothed "Emily Dickinson"  was going to boil a rabbit on my stove. As I recall, I used the quaint Elizabethan word "shrew" a couple times as well as every woman's favorite descriptive noun, the dreaded "B" word. I was really just "funnin" with my pal Miss Apple. Then when I hit the send button,....., ooops,....the email went to Miss Dickinson. Oh well, I've done worse........

Ha. Ha. Ha. Good one son!

Ever had 2 or 3 people text you at the same time and you text one of them a text meant for the other? You know how girls text each other little smiley faces and red little hearts to convey how much they love their friend. Well, guys don't do that. We are incredibly juvenile. We say outrageously rude and vulgar things, often with references to female body parts, farm animals and diminutive male members.   I had a super wealthy muckety muck from Dallas call me out of the blue one day.  I solved a vexing tax problem he thought had no resolution. He had spent millions trying to solve it.  I solved it over the phone. He loved me. He praised me.  The next Monday he was coming to visit me in Richmond. No doubt, I thought, he will exhibit his appreciation by bringing me a suit case full of $100 bills. Over the weekend, I had one of those multiple texts moments. Mistakenly, while he was on the 18th green of his fancy Dallas club and about to putt to win the match, he got a text from me telling him he had a tiny penis and an affinity for little boys. I immediately
realized my faux pas. Sh--, there goes the suitcase full of $$. An hour later, he called. Here it comes I thought.....and then he spoke; "got your text, I laughed my ass off. It relaxed me and I made the big putt!"

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Real men, the go-getter, hunter gatherer types, the types that make the world work send crude, juvenile and vulgar texts to their buds. This is what makes us men. The type of men who are offended by these types of texts drink  cucumber water and have ugly wives and girl friends. 

Hey George. Had a nice romp w
Martha last night. She says u have
 a  little penis. Ha Ha. Ben

In fact, it is fair to say,  western civilization owes its very existence to men sending crude, juvenile texts to one another.  Caesar  would have never conquered Gaul, Gutenberg would have never invented the printing press and Washington would have never crossed the Delaware without Ben Franklin texting him telling him he had a little weenie  (no doubt true on that evening). 

The Charm School Theory

I am about to tell all you knuckleheads out there something you have never heard from any other news outlet or opinion journal. What I say here will not be verified for sometime in the future, maybe years in the future, but this information is undoubtedly true. In the future, you will look back, read this article and say to yourself " damn, that Rob Smith is friggin brilliant, I think he is the smartest man in the history of the world."

Years ago, my buddy Will Clark, gave me a book to read, the Charm School, by Nelson DeMille. A suspense novel, it was written before the Soviet Union disintegrated. The title "Charm School," derived from a "fictitious"  school where captured Americans were studied by Russians to learn "how to be American," so that they could be better communist spies. Upon finishing the book, I developed the "Charm School Theory." DeMille's book was a work of fiction, but I deduced that the idea of the Soviets kidnapping Americans and "taking in" American prisoners from North Vietnam, North Korea and other places to train Soviet spies had to be true. Why? Logic, empirical evidence and an understanding of human nature.  In a nutshell, the Charm School Theory is the application of these tools to predict political behavior. The Soviets killed millions of their own people. Their goal was to take over the world and undermine stable capitalist countries by any means. Why would evil respect international law. The ends always justify the means. Sure enough as was proven when the Soviet archives were opened up,  Rob Was Right. No surprise there, huh folks?

Well, here's the news you haven't heard before. The Obama Administration conducted secret and warrant-less searches, spying and eavesdropping  on their political enemies. We know with certainty that the IRS, the Department of Justice, the CIA and  the FBI were weaponized to surveil and then attack Obama's political opponents. The media, even the conservative media is all focused on the sleazy and unlawful tactics employed by the Deep State to obtain warrants to spy on and later attack the "enemies of the state." Hello ( remember, I am the smartest man in the world), listen to me!

Utilize the Charm School Theory. At a minimum, Obama is a Neo-Marxist. Study him. Read his books. Look at his alliances. Blind faith in socialist polices always leads to totalitarianism.  The goal is always to achieve the overthrow of traditional society utilizing whatever tools are available. The Constitution and the Rule of Law be damned. This is a maxim of the progressive left. Ethel and Julius Rosenberg were executed for giving top secret information to the Soviets. How is what Hillary Clinton did, leaving her server unprotected not just as heinous? Every bad actor in the world swiped her server.  Yet, the Obama police state exonerates her,  and in connection with other Deep State operatives, fabricates evidence to ruin the candidacy and then the presidency of a duly elected chief office of the United States. The list of Pete Strzok apparatchiks frothing at the mouth with hatred  within the federal government is endless. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. The FBI and the DOJ have limitless resources and conduct their policy decisions in secret. There is absolutely no accountability and virtually no consequences to these agencies engaging in criminal conduct to undermine our democratic institutions. What, are they going to prosecute themselves?

So, soak it all up folks. A sleazy warrant submitted to the FISA court creates a paper trail. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that prevents these agencies from secretly "wiretapping" virtually any citizen without warrants and due process. We will come to find out that the Obama Administration conducted hundreds, maybe thousands of  secret wiretaps and surveillances of their perceived enemies in an effort to perpetuate their policies of dismantling democratic capitalism, and to make it impossible for any opposition party to win a future election. All police states start this way, and eventually, there are no more elections. 

My name is Rob and I am always Right. Stay tuned, you will find out how right I am.

ROB SMITH FOR SUPREME COURT JUSTICE !

I have just heard that my name is not on President Trump's short list to replace Anthony Kennedy on the Supreme Court. This is a tragedy for America, and folks for the sake of our beloved democratic

Call 1-800-Rob-Court

republic, I need you to light up the White House switchboard and complain.

I would be confirmed easily because liberals, leftists and progressives love me. Let's list all of their hot buttons, and it will be easy to see why I am their  perfect candidate:

DIVERSITY: 

All of the other justices graduated in the top of their class from tony Ivy League law schools. I graduated  from the University of Richmond while working  a 40 hour/week job hustling pool at very un-tony locales.  I was not Summa CumLaude, but I still hold one academic record that has not been broken:  missing the most classes and still graduating.

My Religion Is Under-represented

All of the other justices are Catholic or Jewish.  As a regular attendee of the First Pentecostal  Evangelical Temple of Joy, imagine how I could liven up the opening prayer by introducing a little snake throwing and strychnine poison drinking?  

Pretty in Pink?  NAW....

I am a Southerner, all the other justices are heathens. Would it not be beneficial for the other justices to learn some manners? And what about those dark robes? A little southern flair for bright colors couldn't hurt. I think a coral or pink colored robe would pretty up Ruth Bader Ginsberg  a bit ( not an easy task) and perhaps make her less angry. 

Except for Justice Thomas, there are no black folks on the Court.

Dad and I 

As Barry White's illegitimate love child, I would up the soul factor on the Court. If the music in the elevators going up to the big court room were playing " Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe," all the litigants would settle their cases; peace and love would prevail throughout the land.

CRIMINAL JUSTICE:

Exact Spot Where Clem Did His Bizness

Who better to be empathetic and protect the rights of individuals from the police, than a guy who has been in the underbelly of our criminal justice system?  Do you think that tight ass prig Justice Roberts ever spent the night in an Amherst County jail? What about Nantucket, Chapel Hill, Charlottesville or Athens, Georgia? Well, I have. Has Elena Kagan  ever had to run from the cops merely for trying to pick up girls in the  dorm at Longwood College?, oops, scratch that, distinct possibility there. None of these other justices know what it is like to be "shot at," handcuffed or had to watch a guy name Clem do his business on the toilet while breakfast was being served ( thank you Amherst County). 

PROFILING:

Years ago when I lived in Washington, DC, my buddy Robert "the Talking Horse" Marsteller and I would routinely be refused service at numerous Georgetown and K Street watering holes. Often, they wouldn't even let us in the door. This profiling happened right in our nation's capital! I still feel the sting to this day.

INNOVATIVE LEGAL SCHOLAR:

The last case we won, 
we flipped off the prosecution.

Have you met my boy, Coleman Smith. He went to Ole Miss and was also in the Army. I have been his lawyer for a dozen years. Bar fights, breaking stuff, flipping the cops the bird, you name it. He has a clean criminal record. They haven't been able to make anything stick despite his 111 arrests. I came up with the novel "Smith DNA Defense." The boy can't help it. This legal strategy is now taught in law schools across the country. I'm also good at closing argument rhymes. I gave Johnnie Cochran the "if the glove don't fit, you must acquit" line.  But here are a couple more:  "just because he shot her full of lead, doesn't mean he wanted her dead," and " Judge, have you seen the jugs on her, I think you should demur."

GRAVITAS:

Distinguished Scholar 

Finally, if one is going to be a Supreme Court Justice, one has to look the part. It's important to have gravitas and a sober, distinguished look about you. As the recent picture to the left indicates, I have these qualities in spades. In fact, complete strangers often come up to me and say "are you a Supreme Court justice?" It happens all the time. I also know a lot of catchy Latin phrases that my father Barry White taught me like: "omecay veroay erehay ndaay aketay ffoay ouryay razzerbay." Wait,....my bad, that's Pig Latin. Well, you get the point. I got it going on. For America's sake, call the White House !!!

HURRICANE JOAQUIN !!! HOW BOUT A REAL NAME?

Hurricane Billy Ray

Joaquin? What kind of name is that?  More political correctness run amok. I don't know anyone named Joaquin. I looked it up, it is  Spanish and a common name for a baby. If I was a hurricane, I'd be embarrassed. If it is un-PC to name a football team the Redskins because it offends red skinned people, then why isn't it un-PC to name a hurricane  a baby name? Talk about offensive.

We should go back to naming hurricanes names that do not insult them. I was perfectly ok with Agnes, Camille and Isabel. In 3rd grade, Agnes Johnson told Miss Douglas that I was the one who put the tack in her chair. Agnes was a mean, spiteful shrew, very hurricanesque. In 7th grade, Camille Lewis came after me like a spider monkey for getting ink on her white blouse, and when I was a senior in high school, well I can't give the details of what I did (this is family oriented blog), but Isabel Cleaver's keying my car and breaking all the windows was completely uncalled for.





WOOO!

Being the progressive, modern thinking guy that I am, I'm ok with hurricanes being named after guys, but let's not give them pipsqueak,  non-offensive names. Let's face it, hurricanes always hit the South, so why not give them good ole boy hurricane names, like Buster, Bubba and Earl, Jr.? Maybe mix in some double names like Billy Ray and Jim Bob. They should be named after NASCAR drivers or WWF rasslers, like Ric Flair, aka "the Nature Boy." Ric would make an awesome hurricane.

Really, if a hurricane with a meek little Yankee name like "Shawn" or "Ian" flattened my house, I'd be really pissed off and offended. But if a Bubba or Billy Ray smacked into my house, I'd be forgiving. That's all I have to say on the matter.....

SOUTHERN COMFORT

I love  the South:
 
we still have debutante parties,
 
the college kids who attend are unfailingly polite,
 
and when the band plays Sweet Home Alabama, the place goes nuts!
 


Richmond, Virginia    May 29, 2015

I have been to a million of these parties, and always, at some point late in the evening, it is obligatory for the band to start strumming Skynard. An instrumental chorus begins as a prelude. The first familiar notes ring out and everybody knows what's coming. People, young and old holler and  rush onto the dance floor; the jeune femmes jump on stage. The electricity circulates, feet get to moving, happiness abounds and if the assembly could speak in one voice, the message is unmistakable, " we are from the South, we like it and everyone else can F-off." 


When this happens, I get a tingly feeling and this mad urge to bayonet a few Yankees. Lord knows,
there are plenty of them around, they are like Mayflies. 
 
When I was growing up, I never knew what a belly-button was. My father just told us children that the hole in our stomach was "where the Yankee shot ya." Since all the other children I knew were fellow Virginians, it was logical to assume that the Yankees had shot them as well.
 
In the 6th grade, my family visited some friends of theirs who  had a house in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. I noticed that the Yankee children all had holes in their stomachs too. I thought, what mean sons of bitches, these people shot their own children.  I almost felt sorry for those kids.
 
By the way, it is my understanding that in today's PC world, it is now against the law to bayonet Yankees, so please write your representative.
 
 

IN PRAISE OF WOMEN.......

In solidarity with Phil Robertson, I decided to grow a beard (Handsome devil, aren't I?). I am an old salt who has been around the track a few times and there is a certain order to the universe that has been put in effect by God. Even old dogs learn new tricks, and this old dog continues to learn and marvel at the brilliance of this divine order.  Men and  women were put on this earth to compliment each other. Men are not worth anything without  women in their lives. Sure, we are pretty able creatures, we can build roads and skyscrapers, but everything men do, they do for the women.
 Women civilize us and make the world a better place. If there were no women, men would have no

inclination to do anything but compete against each other, we would club each other to death in a fortnight. Yet, we don't because it is in our DNA  to protect women and the children they bear.  Thus, our natural tendencies to burp, scratch ourselves and fight each other is redirected to more constructive purposes. Here is another revelation, women tend to be nicer people than men. Seriously, when I see another man on the street, the first synapse of thought that comes to my mind is "how would I take him in hand to hand combat?"  Women are different. Ever notice how when a woman sees another woman, they hug each other? ( I would rather stick a needle in my eye than hug some dude).  I coached an all girls U-12 soccer team once. I had to initiate a "No Hugging" rule. The girls were so busy hugging each other, they wouldn't get back on defense; it was fascinating ( by the way, we were undefeated and un-scored upon, and won the City championship that year). So what makes us want to do noble acts and "be good," is we want to measure up to women and have them like us. The only reason a man would ever go to the ballet is to impress some chick.

Men and women have different talents as well. My left brain constantly absorbs and organizes data such that I can make prudent decisions, but I suck at  instantly understanding what someone else is feeling (not that I would give a damn). If someone were to give me $ 1 million to win a pillow fluffing contest, I could practice all day for months and lose to a 6 year old girl. Women make our world prettier, nicer, better smelling and more pleasant. Not to be a big Sallyboy, but I kinda like what they do. I have gotten to the point where I actually change my underwear everyday.  Without women, we would be wearing loin cloths and living in caves, planning the next raid against the opposing village. Yet, because of women, we actually take our shirts to the dry cleaners and occasionally let them have the remote control.

God is an amazingly clever fellow. Who else could have come up with a system like this? 

The Art of Lying..............Let's Bring Back Dueling!!!!

I was in Court not too long ago with a notorious sleazeball lawyer as my adversary. The guy is a liar and he outright lied to the Judge while insulting my honor. I walked his way and came within a couple inches and loudly called him a liar.  As it appeared that I was going to punch him, the deputies sprang into action and the Judge admonished me. I could have very easily been locked up, but I have no regrets for defending my honor. This other lawyer, who has no respect for the truth will lie to the Court again and again simply because he can get away with it. There are few consequences to being untruthful in our Court system and in our national political arena, and this my friends is much of what is wrong with our country today.
 

This other lawyer has no shame to lie, no moral compunction nags at his conscience telling him not to lie. It would be damaging for him to have the Court sanction him for lying, but he knows that this is a remote possibility, because Courts don't have the time or inclination to pursue such things and if they did, he could always lie about the lies he told. Thus, lying to the slippery, parasite lawyer is a legal standard that has to  be adjudicated, instead of a simple right and wrong standard adhered to by one's soul.  The fact that others know he is a liar means nothing; there is no shame. These are the types of folks who become politicians (this guy ran for office) and sadly these are the folks who inhabit Washington.
 

Dueling Pistols

I understand why dueling was so prevalent in America and lasted well into the 19th century, especially in the South. The only way to protect your honor is to be willing to sacrifice everything to keep it. The one being "called out" had the opportunity to retract his lie or modify his misstatement. Surely, this system helped keep the pettifogging political classes in check,  as the consequences, a bullet at 20 paces, outweighed the immediate benefits of the lie.
 

How Do You Know When
 A lawyer Is Lying?

Our culture is being rotted by the fact that, among our so called leaders,  there simply is no shame or stigma to lying; in fact, the bigger liar one is, the more rewards there are. If the art of lying is perfected and executed, peerage status among the Washington nobility awaits. My work brings me in touch with all kinds of elected officials, including on occasion various congressmen and senators in DC.  I recently called to congratulate a member of the Board of Supervisors (pseudonym "Homer") in a rural Virginia county who I had had the privilege of working with. Homer, a hard working good ole boy, just won re-election. He is awesome because he is unscrupulously honest and humble. Upon concluding our conversation, he stated "Robbie, if I start getting too big for my britches, I want you to tell me and keep me in line." I love this guy. Sadly, Homer will never represent us in Washington, because Homer cannot lie, he cannot manipulate people and he cannot advocate anything that his conscience tells him is wrong.

If every politician in Washington was like Homer, we  would have a very limited government and no national debt. Instead, we have the opposite, and virtually no Homers. The Big Lie in Washington is that "Big Government Works." The charlatans who advocate on behalf of the omnipotent state deserve to be called out for their lies and manipulation.

There will always be good and bad people. However, we as a country (and a culture) need to bring back the stigma and shame associated with lying, such that we can be led by the "good people," instead of the "bad."

 Dueling anyone?
 

Some Thoughts On Southern Lit.............

I grew up in a Eudora Welty novel. When I travel north or west, it is not unusual for people to comment on my "southerness." As I am penning this narrative, I am enjoying a hunk of corn bread. I love the South and am firmly ensconced in its ethos.  However, surprisingly, I am not a fan of southern literature. I have devoured and reread Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Gogol and Chekhov, but I cannot sink myself into the macabre abyss of "southern literature."
 
Several times I have read the first 40-50 pages of "As I Lay Dying," and could not go on. The DVD was in the New Releases section of the video store Sunday night, so here was my chance to be "literate" in a venue  to which I feel embarrassment and guilt that I am so underwhelmed. While I can acknowledge Faulkner's genius, I simply don't like reading him. It hurts and makes me feel creepy. Thomas Wolfe, Walker Percy, Pat Conroy all bore me. I can't help it. Perhaps because he is a fellow Tidewater Virginian, I like William Styron, and Peter Taylor's "Summons To Memphis" is a great book. Yet, most of what has been acclaimed as "great," depresses me. Perhaps these writings hit too close to home, and I feel trapped and can't wait to "get out of the book."
 

I don't know the grotesque, dark South. My southern sensibilities are rooted in happiness, laughter and endearing friendships. There is an underlying social connectedness that binds us to one another. I like good manners, grace, civility and humility (although I have never been accused of being humble, it is a good virtue in others). Tradition, pretty girls, soft voices and beach music. One cannot be thoughtful or even smart without recognizing the frailty of the  human soul and our purpose in this world. Southerners wear their Christianity because they have thought and pondered. Perhaps this makes them nicer and more pleasant to be around?  Ham biscuits, family, the smell of good bourbon, college football, the "land."
 
The South conjures up lots of images; none of them are particularly Faulknerian to me.
 

SAVING AMERICA AGAIN !!! I JUST FIXED THE HEALTH CARE CRISIS.

So instead of me just going to my doctor and negotiating how much he will charge me for a visit and paying him on the spot, like virtually all  other goods and services I purchase every day, President Obama tells me that I must pay a third party intermediary  (much more than I want to) to negotiate on my behalf ( big government liberals think we are all idiots and cannot do anything without their help). As a result, I have to shell out hundreds of dollars a month for something I don't need or want. On top of this, there are such things as co-pays and deductibles, leading to health insurance bills of over $5,000/year.  My family doctor has about 2,500 patients/year visit him, so many that he can only spend about 7 minutes with each patient. Now if each one of those patients takes that $5,000/year and pays  my doctor directly, he would have adjusted gross revenue of $12.5 million/year!  However, he is working 60-70 hours/week and only making $140,000/year. Now, if each one of his patients simply slipped him $ 150/year, he would have $375,000. If they paid him $400/year, he would have a cool million. There would be tens of thousands of people clamoring to get into medical school and no Dr. shortages.

Fixing the problem is as easy as simply paying doctors directly. How did things get so hopelessly out of whack? I can answer that in 3 words: Big Government Liberals (BGLs for short). Virtually every out of whack economic problem we have in this country is the fault of BGL's trying to help us because we are  too stupid to help ourselves. Social Security? Folks are too stupid to plan for themselves so the govt creates a giant Ponzi Scheme and bankrupts the country. Higher Education? The govt creates the student loan program and the costs of college soars and 22 year olds are saddled with $100,000 in debt. I can go on and on, but you get the picture.

During WWII, the govt under FDR enacted a wage and price freeze (another idiot BGL idea that never works). In order to get around the law, businesses started providing health insurance as a means  to pay workers more. Guess what, it was tax deductible to the employer, but individual health insurance was not. Thus, the govt created an incredibly stupid and perverse dynamic that eliminated the incentive for a consumer to monitor his medical costs. 70 years later, we are still saddled with this idiocy. Want to reduce health care costs dramatically? Easy. Take the tax deduction away from employers and give it to the individual. Better yet, do away with the tax deduction all together and it will drive health care costs even lower, as it will not be subsidized via the tax code.

Folks, the reason I  have such a grasp of economics is because I understand (liberals don't) that economics is ALL about human behavoir. Nobody cares about you or is going to make a better economic choice for you than you are. It ain't that difficult. It really is that simple.

I wish I could be humble, but...that would be no fun.  Please note that in the course of writing this column, I just saved America. Thank you.

SMITH v. JOHNSON: The Long and Short Of It.

I was with a buddy of mine the other day and he kept referring to his "johnson." I thought to myself, why is it called a "johnson?" Why not a SMITH? Why do the Johnsons get all the glory? Something ain't right.  This is an injustice. There are over 2.5  million Smiths in the U.S and only about 1.85 million Johnsons. We are # 1 baby and we didn't get to be # 1 by letting the upstart Johnsons push us around. (The Joneses used to be #2, but we declared jihad on them a long time ago, now they are # 5).

What have the Johnsons ever done? Sure there were two Johnson presidents, Lyndon who got us into Vietnam and had the ugliest daughter in all of Christiandom and Andrew, who was impeached for being a crook. We on the other hand have Bubba Smith, all pro defensive tackle for the Baltimore Colts. He won a Super Bowl ring and then went on to be the star in "Taste Great/Less Filling" Miller Light commercials (click to view). BAM, take that Johnsons!

Smiths are not only # 1 in the US, but we are also # 1 in Canada, England, Scotland, Australia and

New Zealand.  I have asked my Congressman, Eric Cantor, to introduce a bill in Congress declaring the "SMITH" to be the official designation of the male member. You might say "Oh Mr. Rob Is Always Right," doesn't Congress have more important business on its plate right now?" The answer of course is NO! At a time of fiscal crisis, what is more important than the full faith and credit of the United States government? How can anyone have any faith in the US when our own government cannot remedy such an obvious injustice? Who is going to buy our bonds? Certainly no self respecting Smith, but neither are any Chinns, Patels or Garcias, as this is an international issue with global ramifications.

I know all of you are as outraged by this as I am. Please write your Congressman, call and jam up the switchboards in the Rayburn building. Most importantly, make SMITH a part of your daily lexicon now! For example, you could state President Obama is a real SMITH, Barney Frank is very fond of SMITHS and Nancy Pelosi needs a...........( well you get the picture).

For more inciteful, mature and erudite commentary, subscribe to the world famous ROB IS RIGHT blog. We are viewed in 116 countries and are now number 237 in readership in Latvia!!

A WOMAN RUNNING THE FED, GOD HELP US ALL !!!!

I have never been one to cotton to the idea of a woman President, it is a decidedly BAD idea. Any guy who has had a flower pot thrown at him for no good reason or come home to see  all of his personal belongings tossed into the front yard knows that giving the nuclear football to a woman is well,........ bad for the environment. Imagine if at a State Dinner, the President of France neglects to complement our Woman President on her meatloaf?  KABOOM!!! Say goodbye to the 1st, 4th, 5th and 6th Arrondisements. Charcoal City Baby!!!

However, what worries me more than a bunch of Frogs getting over heated is a woman in charge of our money supply.

Now that Larry Summers has dropped out of contention for Federal Reserve Board Chairman, it

looks as though President Obama is going to nominate Janet Yellen to be Chairman of the Fed.  The first problem with this of course  is she is NOT a babe ( See pic to the right, on second thought, just take my word for it).  I mean if we are going to have a woman ruin the country, she should at least look like Nicole Pissari, right?  ( See revised and much better pic to the right). The second problem of course is that Janet Yellen is a WOMAN and she is in charge of our MONEY!!! I can see where this is going. The first day on the job, not only will her new office have to be redecorated, but she will order every branch bank in the country to redo their lobbies. I have never understood why women have to get new draperies every 3 years. I mean, if they still work ( keep the sun out), why replace them? What will happen to all that gold in Fort Knox? I can tell you: melted down and turned into  jewelry, that's what! Does anybody really think she is going to keep her mits off of all that gold?



Fred For Fed !!

So what's the solution, if not a woman, who? Fred Mertz, that's who!!! Remember Fred from "I Love Lucy?" Now, Fred was a notorious cheap skate and that's what we need in Washington, DC. Whenever Lucy and Ethel came up with some hair brained scheme, Fred always vetoed it. Certainly, he would put the deep six on quantitative easing, another hair brained scheme.  Remember the episode when he was too cheap to post bail for Lucy and Ethel? Fred is the type of guy who would let the chips fall as they may and would not use the Fed to delay the inevitable. Ben Bernanke has a long history of incompetence, but Fred runs a tight ship and collects his rent on the first day of the month. Did you know the Fed has never been audited and Congress refuses to demand an audit? Fred will look at the books!!!
The Fed is a giant Ponzi scheme. It creates Federal Reserve Notes out of thin air, each dollar created, creates more debt. When the federal government needs more money, it swaps U.S. Treasury Bonds for Federal Reserve Notes. The Federal Reserve Notes are backed by NOTHING! The only way to keep this fraudulent system alive is to create more debt. The whole system is designed to debase the money supply, i. e., to cause inflation. Inflation is a hidden tax that allows the Fed Ponzi scheme to keep rolling along. The Fed lends gajillions of dollars to banks at near 0 interest, the banks in turn, use this fabricated money to buy government bonds to keep the system afloat.

In all seriousness, this entire system was created by MEN, so I am not even sure if Fred can help us. However, one thing is for SURE, at current rates of borrowing, the bubble will burst and soon. The only way to avoid economic catastrophe is for the federal government to quit spending more than it takes in.

That Kid's Got Heart

Stuart Smith

23 YEARS AGO.  The phone rang, it was my brother telling me "it was a boy." I was struck my the elation and sheer joy in his voice. Brick is 8 years older than I am, and of the four Smith boys, he was the last one of us to become a father. It made me happy that he was so excited. It felt good. Stuart Bolling Smith was named after Brick's father-in-law, a wonderful man, with a folksy sense of humor and VMI to the core. It was fitting for Mr. Bolling to be honored in this way, as well as a damn good namesake for this baby boy to have.

40 minutes later, Brick called again. With tears and a broken voice, he told me not to come to the hospital, as it did not look like Stuart was going to make it. He was going to die. An Episcopal minister rushed to the hospital to read these words out of the Book of Common Prayer:
                                                                                                                                                               

Last Rites

O FATHER of mercies, and God of all comfort, our only help in time of need, we fly unto thee for succour in behalf of this thy servant, here lying under thy hand in great weakness of body......... forasmuch as in all appearance the time of his dissolution draweth near, so fit and prepare him, we beseech thee, against the hour of death, that after his departure hence in peace, and in thy favour, his soul may be received into thine everlasting kingdom, through the merits and mediation of Jesus Christ, thine only Son, our Lord and Saviour. Amen.

Yet, Stuart did not die. He had open heart surgery the day he was born. He's had many other operations and procedures, yet Stuart lives, in fact he thrives. Stuart was born a "blue baby," in a sense, he only had half a heart.

Despite being born with "half a heart," Stuart has MORE HEART than anyone I have ever known. Let me tell you about Stuart. The little son of a bitch is funny. We Smiths like to tease,..... unmercifully. Everyone is a target, we can't help it.  As you can tell from the picture above, Stuart is a goofball, always been that way. So you would think, a goofy  kid with a heart condition would get an exemption from the Smith brother ribbing and teasing. Nope, of all the nieces and nephews, Stuart has caught the most s#*t , probably because he is so good natured and quick with his own quips.  One Thanksgiving dinner, Stu brought a girl home from college. While passing the cranberry sauce, my brother Ken tells her that Stuart was born without a certain uh, eh,......male body part.  Stu rolls with it, Stu laughs, Stu can TAKE IT.

Stuart and my son Coleman always played on the same baseball team. They were polar opposites athletically. Stuart was not going to hit the ball. Because of his health issues, he was small, he ran funny and he was not very strong; yet Stuart was always the most popular player on the team. The little son of a bitch is funny; he makes you laugh. The kids loved him not out of sympathy for his heart condition, but because he had so much personality. Stuart always had a respectable on base percentage, because he would try and get hit by the ball! Now what kind of undersized, goofy kid with a heart condition tries to get beaned by the ball in little league so he can help his team? A kid with a HUGE heart.

Stuart was always a F-up. In high school, the chief administrator/disciplinarian ( a Dr. so and so) was busting Stuart's chops for being, well....a little F-up. What does Stuart do? Stuart creates a Facebook profile for the good Dr. with a bio that states  "I like little boys in tight pants. .... I am a proud member of the Nazi Party, ..... I live with my Mother,"....and well you get the picture. It was hilarious; his uncles were quite proud of him. Of course, he got kicked out of school for it, but hey, somethings are worth the price.

Stuart's heart was really giving him trouble his junior year in high school. Stu didn't give a happy nappy about school, and we speculate that it was because he didn't think he was going to live very long. Then something happened. My brother found a Dr. in Chicago who thought he could operate on Stuart and really help him. Stuart spent a number of weeks that year in Chicago at the Children's Memorial Hospital. The operation went well, really well. Then something miraculous happened to Stuart; he began to care. He went from a D student to straight As.

Stuart is now a senior in college and the goofy little son of a bitch is a TRIPLE major in Classical Studies, Philosophy and History!!! A Renaissance Man Extraordinaire! He is a straight  A student and has developed into a genuine strapping hoss, buffed up and chiseled from pumping iron. Last week, I was honored that he invited me to attend his History dissertation. I tried making faces at him so he would screw up, but he wasn't buying it. He lectured on the adaptability of Spartan culture over several centuries of Hellenistic migration patterns. He did a damn good job,  and it really made me think. I am really proud of Stuart for many reasons. Yes, he has met adversity and smacked it in the mouth. Yes, he is an academic phenom. Yes, he's got gumption. But what I like the most about Stu is his "funness" and good attitude.  He has never whined about anything. He's a winner !

To the left is a picture of Stuart. As you can see, he was always a book worm. This picture has absolutely nothing to do with this story. It is posted merely to embarrass Stuart. If you look closely, I think brother Ken may have been right in his Thanksgiving observation...

HAVE A MERRY BARRY WHITE CHRISTMAS

It is that time of year again where my readers ( groupies would be a better word) from all over  the world write me and ask me what I want for Christmas. If I were not such an honest guy, I'd respond with some drivel like "world peace" or "harmony among the nations." What I really want is MONEY and LOTS of it. So here is my routing # and bank account: 05100020: 35741604, and I hope all y'all have a Merry Christmas.

The  Good Book ( see Luke 6:38) says "the more you give, the more you shall receive," so brothers and sisters, get in good with the Lord and send me MONEY!!! You will be counting your blessings in no time.

My Boy's New Car

Think how happy it is going to make my girlfriend when I get her that new Balenciaga handbag with the keys to our new summer place in Newport.  Think of all the action my son is going to get driving his new Aston Martin One -77. Think of me, your old buddy Rob, who faithfully and tirelessly  blogs away (thinking nothing of his own well being) such that you can be informed. Is a 59' Hinckley to much to ask for all the erudite wisdom I have brought you over the years? Send MONEY!!!

He Needs Mo of Yo $

Now some might think it tacky, perhaps a bit boorish to make such a crass and commercial appeal as to actually ask for money, not me. I am just doing my patriotic duty. Didn't President Obama tell Joe the Plumber that "we needed to spread the wealth around?" Aren't we as a nation in a fiscal crisis? Didn't that $900 billion stimulus bill back in 2009 do wonders for the economy? Isn't the President planning a second stimulus package for 2013? Well, here I am, give me MONEY and help the US economy. Wouldn't you rather give me, somebody you know your money than to give it to the faceless federal bureaucracy? Think of all the good I am going to do with your money. Did I mention all the action my son was going to get driving that new James Bond car!

For $69.99, You Can Have Your
 Very Own Barry White Doll !!!

The Feds aren't going to be transparent with you, I am. I am GOING  to utterly waste your MONEY. I will be lighting my Altadis' Behike cigar with $100 bills. ( Surely this is a wiser use of $ than paying 47 million people not to work).  I am going to dribble a little bit of it out to other people so I can feel like a big shot and they will owe me favors. ( Sound familiar?). I will invest some of it in my  new talking Barry White doll venture guaranteed to create much needed jobs. Surely this is a better investment than Solyndra?  What lonely woman would not want to pay big bucks to come home and have her Barry White doll tell her in his trademark deep LOVER'S voice " you 'sho' look good in those lavender panties baby, come on over here."

So I hope that the spirit of the season compels you to get straight with Jesus and do what is right for America by sending me lots of MONEY. Think of Brother Barry and the joy he will bring your 90 year old grandmother this Christmas if only you do the right thing. Barry Christmas!!!

SPOONBREAD AND THE COLOR PURPLE



The Spoonbread Test

I think the Commonwealth of Virginia should have its own immigration policy. The fact that Virginia is now a "purple state" pains me and it is all the fault of that sprawling cultural wasteland, devoid of any character or redeeming qualities: Northern Virginia.  I like the "old" Virginia: good bourbon,  fast horses, the smell of box woods outside of an old country church, ham biscuits, shooting canvasbacks over corn (not that I ever did that) and polite people who would never beep their  horn at you. 

 I hate Northern Virginia! Now "hate" is a strong word, it ain't very Christian. My dear Mother, bless her soul, would wash my and my brothers' mouths out with soap if we uttered that word. Well Mom, "bring it," because I still hate that God awful place. Now I know how the Israelis feel having the Palestinian Authority bordering them to the north. Like the Palestinians, Nova-ites have denuded the country side and are always causing trouble, especially when they go to the polls to vote.  They have a nomadic cultural heritage and they name their children strange names like: Brittany, Dylan and Nicole. Their  idea of  architecture and aesthetics, well let's just say, I'd rather live in Leningrad circa 1944. Lethargic dullards, all suckling off the federal teat and all casting their votes to perpetuate Leviathan and their own vanilla existence. Most don't even own a gun and almost assuredly put ginger ale in their whiskey ( a horrible sin).
 


Now That's A Real Dog

 I have always thought of Virginians as kind of a separate ethnic group, and as such, I think we have been displaced from our homeland, and we have the right to take it back. Nova-ites should be repatriated north of the Potomac. They will be allowed to keep their Prius's and double breasted  sports jackets. If allowed to stay, perhaps they could be sterilized. Those that show promise could be sent to re-education camps where they could learn to smile and perhaps one day, to do something useful, like smoke barbecue. We could send them to forced labor camps, but really, how much labor can we expect to get out of a federal bureaucrat? Once the countryside is cleansed, the Commonwealth's new immigration policy would be strictly enforced. If the emigre knows what spoonbread is and has a good recipe, we let him in. If  the applicant has a snot nosed kid who says "what" when you ask him a question, instead of "Sir," you grab the little bugger and throw him off a cliff into the Potomac. A family with a good bird dog who can flush quail might get in, but families with little yappy dogs are automatically disqualified. Naturally, hot looking babes make the cut. 

Of course, there might be a few timid souls in the General Assembly who resist my plan. If so, then I propose another idea. Anyone convicted of a Class 1 Misdemeanor would be punished by having to live in Fairfax County. Crime below the Rappahannock would plummet,  and we could close all the prisons.  Once again, thinking out of the box, the epitome of moderation and reason, I am ROB and I am always RIGHT!!!